When and why did you decide to become an end-of-life doula? 

In December of 2014, I received an email from a dear friend who had just attended INELDA cofounder Henry Fersko-Weiss’ class and had invited myself and 20 others for a weekend workshop with Henry. Once I read the email describing what an end-of-life doula was, I knew this was something I was called to do. After my husband died of cancer, I felt there was so much more that I could have done to advocate for his quality of life and prepare better. When the invitation came to train as a doula, I knew this was the missing link to what I was feeling when my husband died.

How long have you been doing this type of work?

I have been doing this type of work before I knew I was doing end-of-life doula work. I was there in 1992 during the last hours and breath of my grandmother, who I was very close to. I wasn’t sure what I was doing there; however, I felt it was such a special moment and I had to be there for her. I told her how much I loved her and some of my fondest memories with her. Throughout the years following her death, it just seemed to happen coincidentally that I would show up to visit an elderly relative and they were either taking their last breaths or had just passed away minutes before my arrival.

What type of environment do you work in?

I own a farm with a nature trail, so my ideal environment is for people to come to me and get to know each other while out in nature. However, that is not always feasible. So many times, it starts on the phone, as well as with seeing clients in their own environment, which could be the hospital, assisted living, or their home.

What do you do before you meet with a new client?

Honestly, my mentors and teachers—INELDA cofounders Henry, Janie, and Jeri—taught me to take a few minutes prior to meeting or speaking with your client and just put yourself and any feelings or preconceived notions on what you may think would be best for this client behind. We must focus solely on them and their needs and wants, etc., and leave our feelings or advice out of it. We can offer suggestions; however, we must remember it is truly about them and their wants and needs.

Can you share a short anecdote or insight that changed you?

When you think you have everything under control, be prepared for change and learn how to punt!

Who has been one of your teachers or mentors?

When I worked in a nursing home, I had a beautiful woman who transitioned from palliative care into hospice and was actively dying. I sat with her for three days, reading to her and playing her favorite music. On day four, I received a call from the hospice director that she was up and eating and visiting with her daughter. She remained alert for five days until she went into actively dying and passed three days later. I have had many clients that have been my greatest teachers like her! 

I had another stroke client who was in the hospital and could not speak. When I arrived he sat up and looked me right in the eye and said, “I can’t do this anymore.” My next visit was the following day, and the physician had said he was actively dying and placed him in a hospice facility. I sat with him and his family for 10 days, and we sang, read from his favorite books, played Italian music. His wife kept saying, “Why isn’t he going?” I guided her to talk to him about it being OK to leave her. He kept holding on for eight more days, until he was ready to leave.

What do you wish you had known when you started as a doula?

I learned that people don’t understand the value of having a doula until their loved one is on hospice and I show them the value; however, I wish I could have worked with the dying person too. I’ve learned that no matter where I come in on a case, that is where I am supposed to start and embrace it and whomever I can—guide them through the journey.

Do you have any words of encouragement for fellow doulas?

Self-care, self-care, self-care. You can burn out real easily doing this kind of work. Take the time in between cases to reflect on how it went and if it opened any wounds within ourselves that we need to heal. It can activate past losses in our lives that we need to take time and sit with if it does. Learning to separate ourselves from what is going on around us and be able to offer compassion and empathy without depleting ourselves is not an easy task. Keeping our emotions in check is often difficult if we don’t step back and breathe and do our own work from within ourselves.

What is your dream for your practice or doulas in general? 

My dream is to combine the grief aspect of the end of life and prior. I currently volunteer working with spouses and families, managing their feelings and their anticipatory grief, as well as acting as a doula, guiding them on what to prepare for by creating a legacy project and giving them conversation starters to talk to their loved one about. Those unanswered, “elephant in the room” questions are so necessary to ask, and I assist them with how to approach them. Grief is truly forever when we lose our loved ones. Helping others to understand that they’re not crazy or that they’re in grief—that’s my passion! I have a grief therapy dog that goes with me everywhere, and it amazes me as to how many people are grieving and just a hug from him makes their tears turn into a smile.