The Colors of Grief

by Janie Rakow

October is a time of transition. The leaves on the trees announce the change of season with their celebratory hues of reds, oranges and yellows. In the crisp air and the crunch of dry leaves underfoot, there is a sense of ending, of closure, and with that a call to turn inward and reflect. As the earth quiets and rests, in many ways so do we. If each season had particular emotions associated with it, autumn’s emotions would be loss and grief. The color in the leaves represents the joyful moments of a life once full of energy and vitality, now just memories; the falling leaves the pain of letting go.

 

Recently I had the honor to serve as an end of life doula with a family that had a profound loss. The dying man was the central figure in a loving Jewish family. He had just celebrated his eightieth birthday, was the husband in a fifty-four-yearlong marriage, the father of two adult children, and grandfather of six beloved grandchildren. He had lived a rich life with many accomplishments. That alone was worthy of significant grief. But his death carried a historical significance as well. At the very young age of three he had been imprisoned with his parents in a concentration camp. His parents were soon killed, and he was smuggled out of the camp in a potato sack. His unusual story of survival became for him a source of strength and resilience that colored his whole life and therefore the lives of everyone in his family.

 

I felt deeply moved by the privilege of bearing witness to the stories of his life. His wife also had been in a concentration camp as a child and I heard her stories as well. She and I would walk sometimes outside, just to get some fresh air, our arms linked. As she told me their stories I felt her grief already present—even before his death. This experience demonstrated to me that grief often begins prior to death. To better serve them as a doula I found myself reaching out for information and greater insight into the nature of grief. As I did, I came to recognize that grief might begin as early as a diagnosis. In the case of this man and this family, I sensed that their grief might have accompanied them since childhood, as they carried the losses that they had endured so early in life.

 

This month Henry Fersko-Weiss, INELDA Executive Director, has written the first of a two-part article on grief. There is much to know about this layered subject for all of us; as companions to one another during our own lives and for those of us who serve the dying. I hope you enjoy this article as much as I did and look forward to the second part next month.