Death Out of the Shadows | A film by Genia and Russell Stemper

Film Synopsis

As told by Genia: My father was an intellectual, spiritual, gentle, and stoic man. When he became very ill we took him to the hospital, where they diagnosed him with stage 4 cancer (origin unknown, as he refused further testing). We brought him home and put him on hospice. Fortunately, he had told us his wishes to die at home. Once home, things progressed rapidly. It seemed to us that in just one week he had gone from taking more naps and going for shorter walks to dying.

Hospice was incredible. It allowed him to die at home, surrounded by family. They helped with the medical side of things. They brought pain medication for him that allowed him to die without the pain that he would have otherwise suffered. (We found out from the doctors that his cancer had invaded his bones and his spine.)

Once my father decided to die, he did so quickly, dying that same week that we had him evaluated at the hospital. He was home for only five days, which left us in a state of shock, trying to wrap our brains around what was a drastic turn of events.

A few years later, when we were really able to talk about his death without being overcome by emotions, my husband and I decided to film a documentary that might make the process of dying easier for people.

Even though my father was prepared, we weren’t. We asked ourselves what would have made it easier. That is when we found out about death doulas. We had heard of them but hadn’t delved any deeper.  

A death doula would have soothed our souls. When he was dying, I was extremely upset about how members of the family came into his room and just chatted away about asinine things, irrelevant to what was going on. Looking back, I know they were trying to include him in the mundane, as if everything were normal. I, however, felt that the space should have been focused on him. I wanted it to feel sacred, to honor his dying. He was a quiet man and had never been one to enjoy idle chitchat. But I didn’t want to create drama and cause a rift between family members. 

To this day, it haunts me. Should I have done more to fight for what I thought he would have wanted? Or did I do the right thing by letting it go? I feel that a death doula would have been able to help me navigate the situation and my feelings around it. 

Those last four days of his life, we were awake around the clock, tending to him. My sister and I gave him his prescribed hospice medication, which eased his passage. I know this intellectually. But emotionally, dark thoughts crept in, insinuating that I sped up his death. I now know that a death doula would have eased this self-inflicted mental torment. 

In the end, my father decided he was ready to leave his corporeal body, and he was fortunate to be able to do it without a lot of pain and suffering, surrounded by loved ones, in his own bed. But it was still extremely painful for us, his family, during and after the dying process. I believe a death doula would have helped us all in dealing during and also in moving forward in the healthiest way possible. 

Interviewing the death doulas, grief counselors, funeral director, fire captain, and doctor in the film changed our lives. In making the film, we ourselves processed so much sorrow and regret. The wealth of compassion and insight that all of these death workers have is truly heroic. We hope the film provides the public with the knowledge that a good death is possible. Having conversations with loved ones, planning your own death, and understanding what resources are available to you are all important steps in a beautiful death. We hope our documentary, Death—Out of the Shadows, helps start the conversation and journey.