A Missing Seat at the Table: Loss and the Holidays

by Garrett Drew Ellis

A Missing Seat at the Table: Loss and the Holidays

by Garrett Drew Ellis

The holiday season is a time when grief can be more difficult to navigate—particularly grief surrounding a recent loss, but also for losses that may have occurred in the last few years. No matter where the bereaved find themselves around the world, and no matter what holidays they observe, celebrations of light and family can make grief harder to bear.

Dr. Amber Cohen, a clinical psychologist and clinical director of The Cohen Clinic in Ontario, Canada, speaks to why the holidays are such a difficult time for grieving people.

“We have such strong traditions and strong memories around the holidays that use all of our senses—the taste and smell of food, sounds of music, prayers…hugs and love from people…such visceral and strong memories can trigger memories of our loved ones, and grief just comes up from that.”

The holidays are a time of memory-making and familial connection. It is natural for feelings of loss and grief to rise closer to the surface of our hearts when participating in these annual rituals. It is OK to experience feelings around these times that seem to conflict with the joy that is going on around us. Many people feel angry and resentful for not being able to celebrate with a loved one who has died. Others may be frustrated with the loss of physical connection and intimacy associated with COVID-19 restrictions. 

These are times when self-care, self-advocacy, and protecting our emotions becomes vitally important. Setting boundaries around what you can handle emotionally can provide a sense of control and comfort. Additionally, making room for the release of emotions through therapeutic practices during this time can be helpful. Increasing therapy sessions or renewing a commitment to healthy living and exercise may help alleviate some of the grief.

If it feels good to do so, making a practice of incorporating ways to honor the memory of your loved ones during this season might help make the holidays more manageable. Instead of ignoring your grief, engage it. Do things that invoke your loved ones’ names. Tell stories about them. Welcome your memories to the celebration. If this feels good to you, let people know that you want to include ways to memorialize and celebrate your loved ones within your holiday traditions.

In addition to things you might want to incorporate into this season, you can also give yourself permission to think about boundaries. It is OK to evaluate the season’s social situations and gatherings and say “no” to some of them. Protecting yourself from stressful situations is self-preservation. Perhaps you choose to only go to gatherings where you feel comfortable and supported. Choose gatherings where others will acknowledge the fact that you are grieving and can share or listen to memories of your loved one.

 

Here is a list of suggestions for engaging your grief during the holiday season:

• Set boundaries at holiday events. Have an escape plan on the ready.
• Identify ways to cope before connecting with others.
• Do not try to ignore your emotions during this season.
• Don’t be hesitant to ask for help when it is needed.
• Honor traditions and memories, both new and old.
• Create new traditions with others.

 

One of the most important things that you can do if you are grieving during the holidays is to focus on YOU. Take care of yourself first and give yourself what you need to comfortably traverse the season. Your self-care is vital. It might mean more time alone, or it might mean more time engaged with others. You can choose to celebrate holidays or to let them pass by unnoticed. Self-care is highly personalized, and only you will know what you truly need.

Secondly, lean on trusted loved ones, friends, and professionals in your life before your emotions begin to spiral out of control. Be vigilant in knowing that this might be a harder time of year for you than others. All holidays should be times when compassion is at its highest, and hopefully, the people around you will walk with you through your grief. 

Lastly, loss does not have to equate a lack of connection. Utilize and incorporate the beautiful things about your loved ones into your holiday. Use this season to remember and honor them. It may spark a spirit of gratefulness and joy that can be passed on to others.