A Doula’s Guide to Jewish Rituals at End of Life
by Karina Totah and Sarit Wishnevski
*Editor’s note: This is part of a series INELDA is sharing on end-of-life rituals of different religions to help inform and educate doulas on the many practices of different faiths.
Rituals allow us to bring to light our values and our relationships so that we may deepen these connections and share their importance. Judaism, like many other religions, is full of rituals that mark time and transition; specifically, Judaism provides a unique framework for the end of life, including the dying process, funeral and burial, and the grief journey.
We want to convey in this article not only terms and definitions but insight into how these rituals and framework can be adapted for modern interaction. We share these insights from our two separate, diverse backgrounds, as well as our religious practice at two different levels of observance.
“Rituals are a way to make the invisible, visible.”
Two underlying tenets to be aware of:
From illness through mourning, the community is ever-present. There is a sense of communal responsibility to care for one another, both in moments of joy and in moments of sorrow.
There are many opportunities for participation. Judaism encourages hands-on participation and invites people to engage not just with our minds and with prayer, but with our physical presence as well.
Judaism is an ancient religion but still a living religion. It moves with time, updating to be connective and respond to modernity. It also allows us to question, grapple, and find personal meaning. We invite you to think about the balance between tradition and innovation. How might we understand what these rituals are and where they come from while creating modern connections and meaning for those who engage with them today?
END OF LIFE
When approaching the end of life, Judaism emphasizes a point that, on the surface, may seem to discourage planning ahead and could lead Jewish people to shy away from participating in their own planning. The teaching is to “not hasten death.” For some, the act of making any end-of-life plans could be considered “hastening death.” (Note that Judaism allows for pain management to decrease suffering.)
We invite a reframing of this teaching that places emphasis on other important Jewish values and ultimately encourages planning ahead.
Zikaron/Memory: Judaism places great value on memory. It is how we weave across generations and share our wisdom. Planning ahead affects the ways in which we are remembered and helps others to tell our story.
Chesed/Acts of loving kindness: Planning ahead is a generous act of love because it alleviates stress and decision-making from the people we care the most about at a time that will be difficult and painful for them.
L’Dor v’Dor/From generation to generation: Connection between and accountability to the generations that precede us and follow us are echoed across Jewish culture. This supports giving the gift of planning ahead and of sharing our values and legacy to live on for generations to come.
Jewish Ethical Will
Jewish Ethical Will
An ethical will is a chance for us each to pass on, in writing or another form, our values, life stories, wishes, and wisdom. It is not a new document. In fact, many scholars trace the ethical will back to Biblical times and to forefather Jacob. When Jacob was dying, he blessed his children and told them where he wanted to be buried. A modern Jewish ethical will does not have a set format—it can be created in many ways.
- >> Doula insight: Writing an ethical will together is a wonderful legacy planning activity. Begin with a pen and paper and some questions. “Who are you writing this to?” “What are the most important things you have learned that you want to pass on to the next generation?”
- Ethical Wills and How to Prepare Them by Rabbi Jack Riemer and Dr. Nathaniel Stampfer is a great literary resource.
- An ethical will can be held until after a death and then shared, and it can be an even more powerful tool to share while still living. It serves as an opportunity for loved ones to ask questions and hear stories firsthand.
Bikkur Cholim
Bikkur Cholim
Bikkur cholim, visiting the sick, is more than just a good deed. Bikkur cholim is a mitzvah, an action prescribed by Jewish law and included among our commandments. It is considered a way to live out the values of benevolence, selflessness, and loving kindness.
Oftentimes, family and friends are the ones to come visit. It is an opportunity to also invite the community in. There are volunteer bikkur cholim groups who visit community members. If an ill or dying person has a connection with a local Jewish community or synagogue, that institution can be called upon to let the community know that someone is in need of their attention and care.
When visiting someone who is sick, people commonly say the Mi Sheberach. It is a prayer for the healing of body and soul. It expresses a wish that those we care for are relieved of physical and emotional pain.
- >> Doula insight: Identify bikkur cholim groups in the local community through synagogues or research and offer them as resources to your clients or their loved ones.
- >> Doula insight: The mitzvah of visiting the sick can be the impetus for helping the person identify who they would like to come to visit and what shape they would like the visits to take.
Funeral Planning
Funeral Planning
A Jewish funeral does not have to happen in a specific location. Typically they are held graveside, at a funeral home, or at a synagogue. Preplanning one’s funeral is an opportunity to create connective moments and help shape the experience for those we love.
- >> Doula insight: There are opportunities to plan some elements of the funeral in advance, perhaps by assisting the family to choose particular psalms that resonate, choosing who might give a eulogy, and involving mourners in different aspects and rituals of the funeral. Even with the clergy’s guidance, the funeral is lay-led and participatory.
Vidui
Vidui
When death is imminent, it is a lesser-known custom to recite the Vidui (“confession”) prayer. This can be said by those who are dying in words, in their heart, or by someone else on their behalf (family, friend, or rabbi). Unlike the Catholic ritual of the three sacraments, the Vidui need not be said by a clergy member. To say the Shema prayer—an affirmation of God’s singularity—is a version of this custom, too. Muslims are encouraged to say the Shahada prayer before death, which is similar to proclaiming God’s oneness as in the Shema.
AFTER DEATH
The Jewish tradition is to return a person who has died to the earth as quickly as possible. This is rooted in the story of Genesis 3:19, where God says to Adam “For dust you are, and to dust, you shall return.” Returning to dust means burial in the ground, with the body in its most natural form. This means that Jewish burial does not include embalming, jewelry, metal as part of a casket (which is typically a plain pine box), or clothing other than simple white linen burial garments called tachrichim.
Ground burial is traditional in Judaism. For those who choose cremation, there are still ways to invoke many of the Jewish rituals and practices after death.
The rituals surrounding burial and mourning are designed to emphasize equality and simplicity, and to encourage community participation and grieving.
Notification
Notification
Immediately upon death, the rabbi (if involved), synagogue or temple (if there is a connection to one), and funeral home need to be notified. Given the short time frame for burial—24 to 48 hours—everything is coordinated quickly: identifying clergy for the funeral, purchasing or verifying the burial plot, scheduling and notifying the community of the date and location of the funeral, initiating the preparation of the body for burial, and shiva, the seven-day period of mourning immediately following burial or final disposition.
- >>Doula insight: Regardless of the speed of the timeline, there is still an opportunity to sit with the body immediately after death before the body of the deceased is removed, and there is no need to rush that.
- >>Doula insight: Jewish tradition is not to leave a deceased person alone between the time of death and burial. This ritual is called shmirah (more information below), and it is also a beautiful opportunity for loved ones to sit with the deceased, read psalms, or be a quiet presence until the deceased is transferred to the funeral home
- >>Doula insight: Identify and track the multiple decisions that need to be made quickly after death. Assist with delegation.
- Choosing shiva location and duration
- Ensuring shiva house is prepared to receive visitors
- Selection of pallbearers
- Identifying who will give eulogies
- Contacting the person who will perform the funeral
- Setting up transportation to the funeral
- Arranging meals for after funeral service
- Ensuring virtual access to services and distribution of video link (if applicable)
- Providing some information about the dead to the Chevra Kadisha, or “sacred society,” who perform taharah and shmirah
Between the time of death and the actual burial, there are two Jewish rituals—taharah and shmirah—that honor the deceased and prepare the body for burial. They are primarily performed by the community members who make up the Chevra Kadisha.
Judaism names the stage of grief between death and burial aninut, or deep sorrow. The only responsibility of close loved ones at that time is to make funeral arrangements.
Shmirah
Shmirah
Shmirah is the ritual guarding and continuous watching over the body before burial. It evolved from the necessary protection of the remains to an expression of compassion for the dead and comfort for the bereaved. It is thought that between death and burial, the soul of the deceased is present, hovering near the body and confused as to where it belongs since it is separated from the body with which it was identified for a lifetime.
Shmirah usually takes place within the funeral home. Individuals or pairs (shomer, or plural shomrim—guards) attend in shifts around the clock and are seated adjacent to the mortuary or refrigeration room. Shomrim read from the book of Psalms in an effort to provide comfort to the soul. A memorial candle is often lit for the duration of shmirah. The body is not viewed during shmirah.
During the pandemic, virtual shmirah evolved for collective grieving and as a way for the community to participate.
- >> Doula insight: Shmirah is an opportunity for family and friends to participate, both in person and virtually. Different communities have varying customs, so this idea should be run by the funeral home and the family.
- >> Doula insight: The reading of psalms could start as soon as the death occurs, as loved ones sit with the body.
Taharah
Taharah
Washing the body of the deceased is a custom across cultures. In Judaism, the ritual of preparing the dead for burial is known as taharah. It is a careful choreography performed by the Chevra Kadisha, washing and dressing the body, reading liturgy, and honoring the sacredness of life.
The ritual of taharah can vary from community to community. Some communities might fully immerse the deceased in a mikveh, a ritual bath, while others pour water from vessels.
Community members performing the taharah ritual ask for mechilah, forgiveness, from the deceased after, and often before, completing the ritual. This acknowledges a spiritual responsibility the Chevra Kadisha members have to the deceased and an engagement in an intimate and vulnerable ritual.
Taharah has five main components, more detail on which can be found here.
- Rechitza/Washing – The members of the Chevra Kadisha team begin with a simple washing of the deceased, taking care to remove anything on the body (such as jewelry, bandages, and nail polish) so that the person returns to the earth the way they entered.
- Taharah/Spiritual purification – Water has transformative power in many faith traditions. Once the deceased is clean, 24 quarts of water are poured over the body in a continuous flow, like a rushing stream. The physical and the spiritual entities are then considered purified.
- Halbasha/Dressing – For centuries Jews have been buried in tachrichim, a simple burial outfit usually consisting of pants, tunic, kittel (jacket), and head covering. In keeping with values of modesty and equality, tachrichim are made of plain, inexpensive fabric.
- Halanah/Placing the body in the casket – The deceased is gently raised and placed into the casket, which has been lined with a large sheet and often a tallit, a prayer shawl. Some customs include:
- Placing earth from the land of Israel on the body
- Placing pieces of pottery over the deceased’s eyes and mouth
- Wrapping the body fully in a sheet and tallit
- Aron/Casket – To promote a return to the earth, a Jewish casket is made of natural materials that will decompose. Wood caskets with wood dowels—a plain pine box—and rope handles are often used. In the same tradition of using simple burial outfits, the coffin is not to be ostentatious in order to reflect Jewish values of simplicity and equality.
- >> Doula insight: Family and loved ones of the deceased can elect a taharah to be performed or not. Facilitate the family’s consideration of this opportunity early on.
- If the family does not want taharah performed by the Chevra Kadisha, there may be an opportunity for the family to wash and prepare the body themselves directly following death, before the body is picked up by the funeral home.
- >> Doula insight: This is usually the most direct opportunity for the doula to connect with the Chevra Kadisha in the community. The Chevra can be part of the doula’s network and can provide education about the after-death process.
- >> Doula insight: One option for participation is for the simple burial outfit, tachrichim, to be sewn and designed by loved ones. Patterns for sewing tachrichim can be found here.
Funeral
Funeral
The core elements of a Jewish funeral are:
Kriah/Tearing of the garments: Before a funeral service begins, the officiant usually assists the mourners in tearing their garments. Nowadays, some mourners choose to affix a black ribbon to their clothes instead. The ritual serves to make grief visible: The tear in the clothes is equivalent to a tear in the world that, even if mended, will never be what it was before.
Tehilim/Psalms: Selections from this book of 150 poems, written between humans and the divine, are read to provide solace and healing to mourners and implore the divine to ease the transition of the deceased’s soul.
Hesped/Eulogy: This is a tradition that dates back to Abraham eulogizing Sarah.
Burial
Burial
Jewish burial is also known as levayah, which means “to accompany.” We accompany the deceased to their final resting place, and we accompany the mourners as they begin their journey into grief. Jewish disposition is traditionally ground burial, and in many ways is considered “green burial.” The casket is wood with no metal, the burial outfit is simple, and the grave is ideally unlined so that the deceased may easily return to the earth. More information on the traditions around burial is detailed here.
- >> Doula insight: The Kevurah, or shoveling of earth into the grave, is an intense, emotional, and physical part of the burial. The shoveling is not only symbolic but is intended to move the earth and begin the burial process. Mimicry and modeling are important at this point in the burial and a doula could have a role in facilitating that. Anyone, regardless of faith background, is welcome to participate in the ritual.
Mourning Practices
Mourning Practices
Judaism acknowledges that grief is a journey and offers ways to express our grief through mourning rituals. Mourning is ordered in a way to provide a framework for a return to our full lives. There are five stages of mourning, and three of the most well-known are shiva (and mishmara), shloshim, and yahrtzeit.
- Shiva: Hebrew for seven, shiva is the seven-day period following the burial, during which mourners are at home and are supported by the community. It is a time and space for mourners to fully experience their deep grief without any social obligations. Community members visit, bring food, feed the mourners, sit with the mourners, ask questions about their loved ones, and share their own memories and stories. It is a time dedicated entirely to grieving.
There is an additional custom in Sephardic communities called mishmara where a special meal, eulogy, and study session are held at the end of shiva. Some people hold a mishmara for each of the ensuing time markers (shloshim and yahrtzeit).
- >> Doula insight: Preparing a house for shiva has many components: making sure there are enough chairs and cutlery, communicating the agreed upon hours of visiting, covering mirrors, lighting a memorial candle in the home, etc. Inviting community members or extended family to help prepare the home is a beautiful way to engage. Here is a sign that can be used to help explain shiva to those who visit and may not be familiar with the practice.
- >> Doula insight: At the end of seven days, the mourners traditionally take a walk around the block together. The act of physically moving out of their home and into the public signals their “getting up” from grieving and the first steps of return to their lives.
- Shloshim: Hebrew for 30, shloshim is the 30-day mourning period following the burial. During this time mourners are in a transitory state. Many mourners return to their daily obligations and may abstain from certain joyful gatherings (such as weddings), cutting their hair, or purchasing new clothing. According to Jewish law, this is the end of official mourning for everyone other than children mourning the death of a parent.
- Yahrtzeit: Every year the anniversary of a loved one’s death can be marked by lighting a memorial candle. Other rituals might include giving to charity in their memory, visiting the cemetery, reciting the Mourner’s Kaddish prayer, and sharing memories and stories.
- >> Doula insight: There is no standard prayer when lighting the yahrtzeit candle. Those remembering a loved one might want to write a special prayer or share memories with family and friends. Here is an example of a blessing one might use when lighting a candle.
Kaddish
Kaddish
For the 11 months following the death, it is a practice in some communities for children mourning the death of a parent to recite the Mourner’s Kaddish. Since it is a prayer that must be said in the community of others (usually a quorum of 10), it implicitly requires the mourner to be in a social prayer setting every day, and not alone.
The same prayer is recited annually on the death anniversary.
- >> Doula insight: The practice of reciting the Mourner’s Kaddish can offer an important structure for mourning. A doula can help the mourners identify the synagogue, temple, or virtual prayer service to attend daily, or work with the mourner to create a daily grieving practice.
For both the community and the individual, Judaism offers a unique framework for approaching the end of life. The rituals are participatory and are designed to provide support, purpose, comfort, and honor. While some of these practices are hundreds of years old and others have been in place for thousands of years, they all serve to provide points of connection and care, and to sustain us as we navigate grief and loss.
We hope that sharing both the terms and definitions alongside ideas of how to engage with the concepts and rituals is useful as you provide care and support to others.
AUTHOR BIOGRAPHIES
Karina Totah (she/her) is a strategy consultant and leadership coach through her company, Nevit. She trained with INELDA in 2018 and serves as a doula in palliative care departments and hospices, and as a singer with Threshold Choir. She is currently a board member of Shomer Collective, a Jewish end-of-life organization that empowers people to plan and makes Jewish wisdom accessible in end-of-life matters. Most recently, Karina was director of patient experience at Thyme Care, a cancer care navigation startup, where she championed a nonclinical, holistic patient support model. Karina is also a member of the Chevra Kadisha at Adas Israel in Washington, D.C.
Sarit Wishnevski (she/her) is the executive director of Kavod v’Nichum. Prior to joining the organization, she trained with INELDA in 2019 and produced a podcast and a newsletter called The Be.Side Project, which explored where Judaism intersects with the end of life. Sarit lives in Maplewood, New Jersey, with her partner, Ari, and their 2-year-old daughter, Adira. She is also a member of the Chevra Kadisha at Congregation Beth El in South Orange, New Jersey.