When and why did you decide to become an end-of-life doula?  

I’ve always felt that there’s a certain romance about death—a process of going back home, of union with the universe. After observing many instances of unresolved trauma from deaths in the family, the final straw came with the death of a close client about three years ago, back when I was still in insurance. She died from a brain aneurysm three days after giving birth to her firstborn.  But beyond the shock of her sudden passing, what truly stuck with me was how long her life insurance went unclaimed. I expected a single father of a newborn to need the money, but he didn’t claim it for eight months despite being informed about the insurance. It struck me that money was never the point. It was never about the property and wills and power of attorneys. Yet again, there was something intangible that went unaddressed and ignored, and I decided I needed to do something about this.

What is your pathway to practicing as a doula?

So far, a mix of activities that I can only describe as…eclectic. I like to think of death as a practice, not just something that happens at the end of life. After all, if the physical transition is the ultimate letting go, how can we be expected to do that in one fell swoop without practising it in daily life? As such, I prefer to focus on grief work involving nonphysical forms of death that are also often invalidated, e.g. loss of relationships, career, a pet, etc. In fact, I enjoyed cocreating a workshop about the death of our inner child with a friend who leads a community for inner child healing. It involved a lot of crafting to create our personal altars that helped us mourn the parts of ourselves that we had to let go of or be cut off from. 

I also host a bimonthly book club on the Tibetan Book of the Dead where we contemplate a passage from the book and discuss our perspectives and how it applies in our lives. As a longtime makeup enthusiast, I volunteer in hospices and retirement homes doing makeup on patients/residents and their family members for their family portraits.

Can you share a defining experience as a doula?

Carolyn was one of the hospice patients I did makeup on at her living funeral/celebration of life event in April this past year. As I was packing up after the event, she came up to me and asked if I could do her makeup after she passed on. It was such a moving request I agreed without hesitation, but at the back of my mind I didn’t know if it could be realized. After all, funeral homes take care of the entire process; I had never heard of cases where outsiders could be involved. 

The following months came and went, and in August I received a call from Carolyn’s friend and executor saying that she had just passed on and that they had arranged with the funeral home for me to come in to do the makeup. Honestly, I was amazed that everything had already been prepared in advance—they would send Carolyn to the wake without makeup and I would just go and do her makeup there. The process was such a surreal, full circle moment for me, and I’m sure for Carolyn as well. In the midst of grief hanging over us that day, I also felt a touch of magic and romance.

What do you do before you meet with a new client?

Nothing much; I mostly wing it, in the sense that I don’t know where this is headed, but I know exactly what I’m doing as it unfolds. I believe that if you are called to this sort of work, what you need is already in every fiber of your being. So I just remind myself to trust that and get on with it.   

What do you wish you had known when you started as a doula?

Be creative! I’ve realized that there’s so much creation and rebirth in death, and I wish I didn’t stick to the template so much in the beginning. Every person who has approached me in the last two years has pushed me to do something different and exciting with my work, so just lean in! 

Do you have any words of encouragement for fellow doulas?

Do something with your gift that only you can deliver in this world. Every deathwalker connects with death differently, and you’ve got to honour your unique relationship with death in your work. 

What is your vision for your practice?

I’ve been passionate about euthanasia (medical aid in dying in the United States) since I was a teenager, so I want to in some way contribute to the legalization of euthanasia in this part of the world. I can’t be flying to Switzerland for this! It’s too far!