When and why did you decide to become an end-of-life doula?  

I have been around a lot of death in my life. When I was seven years old, my two closest friends died roughly six months apart—one from leukemia, the other was trapped in her burning home. So from an early age, death was something that clearly was part of life for me. 

When I was 13 years old, I had a spiritual experience where I felt the pain of the world. I vowed then to dedicate my life to reducing human suffering. I realized only a few years ago that actually my purpose is to help people remember who they are. When a person remembers who they truly are, when they are reconciled with their divinity, they release their fear of death. They forgive themselves and others, release regrets, clear up unfinished business, let go of guilt and shame, and they can have a very peaceful death. I see death as a graduation from one’s current incarnation, the celebration after the lessons learned that the soul set out to learn, and the experiences one sought to have.

What type of environment do you work in?

I work wherever the client is: home; assisted-living facility; rarely but sometimes, in a hospital setting.

What do you do before you meet with a new client?

I always get still, center, and ground myself before interacting with a client or prospective client. I have a phone call first to see if there’s an initial connection, and then I have the physical meeting where we determine if we will go forward or not. 

Can you share a short anecdote or insight that changed you?

I am currently taking the One Year to Live course at Spirit Rock retreat center. On the first class, the teacher told a fun story:

Person says to hospice patient: What’s it like to know you’re dying?

Hospice patient: What’s it like to pretend that you’re not? 

In my monthly Death Cafes at By the Bay Health in Larkspur, California, we discuss our exploration of death while living. It’s rich and real and life-affirming and loving.

Who has been one of your teachers or mentors?

Jerry Jampolsky was one of my greatest mentors. I received my initial hospice training in 1998 from his organization, which at the time was called Center for Attitudinal Healing in Sausalito, California. He taught me so much about how to interact with the dying and how to live with death as one’s adviser. He also taught me about the importance of love, love for the dying, love for the living, patience, and compassion for both. When my dad died, he offered to be my second father, which was one of the most generous gifts I’ve received in my entire life.

What do you wish you had known when you started as a doula?

It’s essential to understand family dynamics and dysfunction. It’s essential not to triangulate. And it is extra essential to practice very active self-care. By this, I mean, clearing your energy field, letting go of any of the emotional pain that you pick up from patients and their family members, Making sure that you let go of the density or the heaviness of this work. It can really wear you out if you don’t actively release it through exercise, meditation, quiet alone time in nature, and whatever other methods work for you. This is not superficial self-care. This is deep clearing of dense energy. I didn’t take it as seriously at first as I do now.

Do you have any words of encouragement for fellow doulas?

Please know that each person you assist on their death process will be etched in your heart. Please know that their family will remember you, as the patient will remember you as well. What you were doing is far more profound than you realize. It is a profound gift to do this work. It’s also incredibly intense and can be energetically draining if you’re not super careful. It is the most remarkable work I believe one can do in their time on earth. Walking people home, as Ram Dass said, is a tremendous gift. People will tell you what an angel you are, but the patient is an angel too. As are the caregivers and all the members of the care team. People often miss the tremendous gifts that the patient gives us for letting us walk them home; for trusting us so quickly with such a tender and profound process.

What is your vision for your practice?

For me to be a hollow bone—a pure conduit of light—when I am with a patient. For me to be fully present to them and their process at all times. And to share the wisdom and love I gain from this remarkable work. Thank you to all doulas for your countless contributions.