When and why did you decide to become an end-of-life doula?

I was called to death early. When I was growing up, my family believed in serving and meeting needs for their community. It was a part of our commitment to God and love for people. Mostly the women and some men in my family took me at an early age to nursing homes, hospitals, and homes to be present during a person’s end-of-life journey. This beautiful work has been passed down to me through my lineage. Although we never gave our work a name or title, we knew it was necessary for us to do. I don’t believe I had a choice to decide whether or not to serve the sick and dying. Death chose me, and I chose death back. 

How long have you been doing this type of work?

I’ve been doing this work since I was a child with my family. But in my early teens, I began going on my own to see individuals I knew had been ill or underserved. I saw that once they went into nursing homes or other health care facilities, they often became forgotten. So, I took on the task to be present during their transition from life to death. From there I began traveling across the city and different states helping friends and loved ones who were declining with their individual transitions. I saw people in the margins and knew it was my purpose to help.

What type of environment do you work in?

I usually work in the homes of my clients, or until they are moved to a hospice center for their transition to the great beyond for most of my in-person clients. I also provide opportunities to serve via Zoom and over the phone to be present with individuals and their families. I believe that it is important to be accessible and flexible as a death doula and try my best to serve with this mindset.

What do you do before you meet with a new client?

Before I meet with a new client, I always ask them if they have family to bring them to the consultation. I usually suggest that the person(s) who will be speaking, making decisions, and advocating for the client’s wishes when they can no longer do it for themselves be present. It takes a village to raise a child, and it also takes a village of support to slip away from this world. It is important that those core people have an understanding of their loved one’s wishes for me to be present in one of the most intimate parts of life. We will have to work, eat, clean, cook, sing, laugh, pray, cry, and even take turns sitting with the client together. 

Not every person I meet with will end up being my client, but if they do it is better to get acquainted with their tribe as well. If they don’t have a village, I ask to bring one so that they know there are people here to support. I have great and trustworthy individuals who help and assist in this work alongside me. Doing this I can begin to prepare for our first meeting. Requesting the village will give a perspective of the family dynamics and that particular client’s personality as well. I can rest, breathe, relax, and prepare my mind for the consultation. I can be open to listen to the needs of the client and find the best ways to support. 

Can you share a short anecdote or insight that changed you?

Dying is a privilege. Although death is a part of living, it is a privilege to go through the dying process. Regardless of whether the process is painful, full of sorrow, tiring, if it hurts or even if it’s full of singing, laughter, peace, and joy, it is a privilege. Dying gives the individual and their families the opportunity to say goodbye, to prepare for the worst, and to put in practice anticipatory grief. Many of us may not get the chance to say goodbye, hold our loved one’s hands, or whisper a sweet phrase in their ear one last time. So it’s important to live each day to the fullest and without regrets. Prepare for the end of life; it will help your loved ones know how to best honor your wishes. It protects them from having to be burdened with questions and concerns that prevent them from being able to grieve while making hard decisions. Live intentionally, on purpose and without regrets.

Who has been one of your teachers or mentors?

My mentors were my great-grandmother Cornelia; grandmother Ernestine; mother, Barbara; aunts Dorothy, Sarah, Minnie, and Muriel; uncles Robert and Albert; and teachers D. Gwin, B. Dunn, D. Redding, Stella and Nita. These men and women taught me to serve in many different capacities. They all believed in being present during a person’s journey toward death. It could be sitting vigil, cleaning a house, cooking or buying food. They made themselves available to those who needed them during and after a person’s death. They showed up no matter what time or day. It is because of them I was able to learn, glean, and grow into the person I am today. Because of their tutelage I have been able to serve, teach, and speak about end of life.

What do you wish you had known when you started as a doula?

I wish I had known that it is OK to be silent. You don’t have to know or have the answers. I found that being present shows up differently, and that also includes in the silence. I would always be nervous that I would show up without the answers or solutions. Many times, individuals aren’t looking for that anyway; they’re looking to be heard, to be seen, and for you to show up. Not having a response to questions even if you want to speak may better serve the clients by being silent. It allows them to breathe, think, and look inward to examine their questions themselves. There is power in silence.

Do you have any words of encouragement for fellow doulas

Your work as an end-of-life death doula is necessary and important. Your gifts and unique way of serving can’t be replicated, so do it with pride and excellence. Bring all of you to the table and serve your families, clients, and friends with love, joy, dignity, and grace. Your work matters, and this work is needed for our communities. Always make sure you find time to rest. It is essential for your effectiveness and health. Find what revives your soul, what nourishes your body, what helps you heal, and rest in those things so that you can continue to serve.

What is your dream for your practice or doulas in general?

My dream for my practice is to continue to work with individuals and their families with love that transcends through the generations. When I am the doula, community is built, relationships are restored, and healing and compassion are at the core. I believe that as doulas we bring an essence that encourages vulnerability and conversations that most people don’t like to have. Working alongside a person and their families, we are teaching how to care, honor, and support the dying. We are planting seeds in others to become doulas or have the skills and preparation to best serve when death comes again.