When and why did you decide to become an end-of-life doula?

Throughout my life I have been inspired by the mysteries of life and death. Having been raised on the verdant lands of the Algonquian peoples, surrounded by nature within a large, deeply religious, and spiritual family, living and dying were part of the fabric of our lives. In my early 20s, having the immense privilege of accompanying my middle-aged mother through her peaceful death was profound and sacred. This began a lifelong journey working with people and organizations as a writer, educator, advisor, mentor, and recently as an end-of-life doula. For nearly 25 years I have lived in a country strongly influenced by the culture, traditions, practices, and language (Te Reo) of the Māori people, the tangata whenua, the people of the land. Their deep and insightful rituals around death have been a catalyst for one of my passions—to bring that level of sacred honoring into Western end-of-life ceremonies, funerary customs, memorials, and life celebrations to remember and respect the dead. In my early years in Aotearoa, I was honored to be given a Maori name, Whetū Mārama (“brings light”), by elders. It was blessed in a naming ceremony a decade later, when I was permitted to use Marama publicly. I remain a respectful student of their teachings.

Another stream in support of providing spiritual peace to the person who’s dying, the family, and the caregivers has been my role as an ordained interfaith and interspiritual minister. My intention has been to bring greater understanding, harmony, and love among people by highlighting what is universal in the teachings of the many faith traditions and spiritual paths. Wherever possible and appropriate, I have integrated this approach and the faiths, traditions, beliefs, and practices into honoring the dying person’s customs and wishes.

In 2020 I participated in the first collaborative course with INELDA and the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition, called Grief and the Quest for Meaning. The training had many EOL doula attendees and was significant for me. It was then that I decided to train as an INELDA doula—to answer a deeper and expanded calling as a guide to tend to the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of the dying, as well as supporting their families and friends (whānau) through the grief and loss of their loved ones. 

How long have you been doing this type of work? 

Although I am recently trained, in another sense I’ve been doing this work for over 40 years. I have been engaged in end-of-life roles in various forms, beginning with my health-care work at Boston hospitals in the 1970s with those with serious illness and dying, and in personal ways through supporting my mother, brother, father, and extended family members’ deaths. This has continued in creating services, funerals, life celebrations, and writing numerous memorials and eulogies. I have also been privileged to assist individuals and cultural groups through tragic events and disasters, offering compassionate care and support as both a minister and an end-of-life doula. 

What type of environment do you work in? 

Currently I work in private practice dedicated to supporting people through the cycles of life, major transitions, and the experiences of death and dying. I run my practice from a light-filled home office, surrounded by native bush overlooking Puawai Bay (Blossom Bay), Whangaparaoa Bay (Bay of Whales), and the Hauraki Gulf of Auckland. I have been privileged to have had an array of experiences accompanying people with serious illness or dying in their homes, assisted-living facilities, nursing homes, and hospitals. With disaster work, I have offered psychological first aid in airports and online platforms and offered prayer (karakia) alongside other faith leaders at mosques, churches, retreat centers, and Māori maraes (meeting grounds). Throughout the pandemic, I have been working internationally using online media to guide and support people through grief, loss, and life and death transitions. 

What do you do before you meet with a new client? 

Whether meeting in person, on the phone, or online, my first practice is to breathe in stillness and harmony to focus my attention and drop into a serene sense of being, preparing to deeply listen to their concerns, wishes, or suffering from a place of mindful strength. I also honor nature and the place where we are by paying homage to birds, trees, land, or waters. My intention is to greet a new client with a grounded peacefulness as well as a compassionate professionalism so they may feel they will be deeply listened to, heard, and helped. 

Can you share a short anecdote or insight that changed you?

It has been an immense tribute to walk with a great many people through the death and dying experience in the many ways a doula offers compassionate care and service—with Vedic monks, devoted Sikhs, engineers, builders, teachers, mothers, grandfathers, uncles, aunts, sisters, and brothers, and so many more. 

As mentioned, one of my earliest experiences was sitting vigil at my mother’s hospital bedside so long ago. Her cancer had spread rapidly, and she was rushed to our hometown hospital. The room was simple, quiet, darkened, and serene. There was no time to organize the surroundings with her wishes and things she loved, as we’d learned with INELDA training. I arrived as my siblings were leaving, and sat in silence, praying beside her throughout the evening until early morn. During one of her more lucid moments, I asked if she wished me to leave. She replied with her customary and practical wisdom, “No, don’t leave. Don’t worry. Everything happens for a reason.” As she slipped into the unconscious, the next few hours were dream-like. The room became filled with a tangible sensation of peace, as if the air was expanding in all directions. By that time, she was speaking too softly for me to hear. I knew I was witnessing a very sacred act. As she crossed over the threshold, the depth of the silence and peace was immense, as was the love surrounding us. Her transition and my transformation were sacred acts that have stayed with me for over 40 years. I have been ever grateful to my mother for the extraordinary privilege of taking part in the holiness of her last Earthly lesson as her child’s first teacher. I learned three essential lessons that night. First, that death is indeed a sacred journey of life. Second, not all deaths are peaceful, nor are all deaths difficult. And last, that self-care is a necessity, not an option. Due to my youth and inexperience with death, it took time to restore my sense of balance, although the experience itself was so meaningful and profound.

Who has been one of your teachers or mentors? 

At this third stage of life, I have been fortunate to have had a broad array of extraordinary teachers—many from Aotearoa—still alive. I’ve also learned immensely from those with whom I have been privileged to walk beside on their transition journey from life to death. The greatest teacher has been life itself, in all its cycles, from birth to death, as it appears in all its magnificent diversity on this precious Earth and in the vastness of the cosmic net. A deep bow as well to the many teachers from around the globe, whom I owe such a debt of gratitude: Thich Nhat Hahn (France), the Dalai Lama (Tibet/India), Mary Oliver (USA), John O’Donohue (Ireland), Chief Oren Lyons (Seneca faithkeeper; USA), Carl G. Jung (Switzerland), Clarissa Pinkola Estes (USA), Terry Tempest Williams (USA), Jane Goodall (United Kingdom), Francis Weller (USA), James Hillman (USA), Bill Plotkin (USA), Marion Woodman (Canada), Peter Levine (USA), Larry Heller (USA), Rashani Réa (Ha’waii), and Kaumatua Pereme Porter, Tohunga Pita Harrison, and Barry Brailsford (Aotearoa/New Zealand). 

What do you wish you had known when you started as a doula? 

When we completed INELDA training, we were not aware that a global pandemic was on the horizon. With the climate of so many structures changing or collapsing at every turn, it might be useful to gather for a wider discussion of the implications of global events on our vital role as end-of-life doulas. It has been important to embed some of the imperatives of this work: Educating our Western culture is a continuous process; support all clients, especially in emergency situations, with verbal and written clarity as to the entire process and what is included and not included in the role; ensure there is backup for you from other doulas or agencies when needed.  

Do you have any words of encouragement for fellow doulas? 

If you feel called to this work, try to stay connected with like-hearted people in the field, as well as with other cultures that honor this work as sacred, meaningful, and vital to life’s passages. Reach out to others in complementary fields of alternative medicine, music, creative expression, ministry, or more who are sensitive to the importance of this innovative path of death and dying in modern culture. Keep learning and growing and stretching toward new strengths and resilience. This field is rising. INELDA and each of us as trained doulas have much to share in envisioning a world where death stands alongside birth and other significant life passages in its natural and profound cycle. 

What is your dream for your practice or for doulas in general? 

The work of the doula has an ancient heritage. It is highly respected by many cultures because it is firmly within the family of the fundamental rites of passage of human beings. Unfortunately, in a culture that places high value on the cerebral, technological, pharmaceutical, and political, attention is often given to the perspectives of “more” than to the vital rituals and customs of life and death, which have such ageless meaning to humanity. We are currently living through turbulent times—both personally and planetarily. Much is asked of us as human beings. Much is asked of us as end-of-life doulas. It is a time when every thought matters, every action matters. This is a time for gathering ourselves at the table of community and working together to restore the holy and hallowed wonder with our encounters and passages through death, grief, and loss. It is a time to ask ourselves: “What would satisfy the soul at the sacred time of transition?” 

INELDA’s work is at the forefront of the evolution of the human journey toward wholeness at a time of great challenge and change. My working dream is to contribute to the education and practices within our culture to bring back greater meaning, mindfulness, and depth to the final days of life. There are many ways to work with each client, each family, and each community to support the soul’s desire for beauty and connection throughout the stages of death. Mary Oliver wrote: “When it’s over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement. I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms. …”