Doula Profile: Neidra Clark

Neidra L. Clark is based in Hillsborough, North Carolina and trained as an end-of-life doula with INELDA three years ago. She also has a National End-of-Life Doula Alliance (NEDA) Proficiency Badge, trained as a home funeral guide, is a secular ordained celebrant, a Laughter Yoga leader, and founded and hosts the Death Café Hillsborough. She is the Founder and Lead Practitioner of Balance For Life And Death. Since 1996, Neidra has offered a variety of natural healing services, including Reiki, reflexology, aromatherapy, Laughter Yoga, and self-empowerment for people desiring to better balance their lives. Neidra is an active member of INELDA, NEDA, the National Home Funerals Alliance (NHFA), the Funeral Consumers Alliance of North Carolina (FCA-NC), and is a contributing Friend of the Green Burial Council.

When and why did you decide to become an end-of-life doula? It was an immediate decision to seek training when I heard about end-of-life doulas in 2017. My first thought was, “So what I have been doing with family and friends has a name!” I chose to take INELDA’s course in 2018 when it was available close to my home. Having been at the bedside of many dying individuals over the past three decades–too many of whom did not have a good death–I saw a need for patient advocacy and for improved quality of life during the end-of-life phase. I am amongst those who feel called to this work. It speaks to my heart and, at the same time, my entrepreneurial spirit. My heart, mind, intuition, and soul have always guided me towards fulfilling perceived needs of humans and animals alike. 

How long have you been doing this type of work? When I was 28, my partner received a stage IV cancer diagnosis. The experience taught me so much and I bring that knowledge to my work. I know what it’s like to wake up and go to bed with cancer, to eat, drink, and travel with cancer. I know how deeply exhausting it is to be the primary caregiver for someone who is very ill. In 1993 I could not locate support groups for caregivers and the medical staff knew of none themselves. Quite possibly the greatest lesson from that experience was that you MUST give care to yourself first in order to give care to others. Before and since that time, I have been at the deathbed of many other people.

What type of environment do you work in? During the pandemic, my primary work environment has been an in-home office. I have enjoyed redecorating and setting it up so it’s a pleasant background for virtual calls and meetings. Prior to these events, I provided several presentations and workshops at death fairs, senior centers, and retirement communities. I transitioned my Death Café Hillsborough meetings in-person to online. Today, my main work environment remains virtual and includes participating in and leading training programs, webinars, conferences, interviews, and responding to invitations to present my work. I have worked with clients through email, phone, and video calls. Once the pandemic has cleared, my plan is to continue where I left off and visit more retirement communities, nursing homes, and hospices in order to increase awareness of EOL doulas. 

What do you do before you meet with a new client? Before I leave home to make a visit I ground myself by being still and quiet, closing my eyes, and taking deep breaths. My focus is on the person(s) I am about to be with. During the drive, I think only of the person (and driving safely) and remain relaxed versus apprehensive, trusting all will be fine. I stay in my car upon arrival for a few minutes, close my eyes and take slow deep breaths. I visualize an energetic connection between myself and the person. I set my intention to actively listen, to hold this sacred space, and meet them where they are. Before their door opens, I smile so my face is bright when they first see me. I will have prepared and brought along a colorful folder holding appointment-relevant information to give the new or potential client. I bring a single flower as a gift, held in a no-leak water tube, so they may feel a little peace when gazing at it later. 

Can you share a short anecdote or insight that changed you? I have witnessed, or been very close to, some very poor death experiences. My father died within 28 hours of going to the hospital from necrotizing fasciitis. No one on the ICU staff that night told us he was dying. When the cart came crashing into his room, even though he had a DNR, we moved out of the way in utter confusion (I had to pull my mother away). I do not want others to face such a shock due to a lack of upfront communication. My sister-in-law died in pain and scared in the hospital when she really had wanted to be at home with her dogs. My mother woke up after emergency surgery to slowly realize her quality of life was severely diminished and that she’d not ever again eat the food she loved to cook, nor drink her favorite chardonnay, due to an unexpected esophagectomy. She told me–just me–“it is time for me to die” and the very next morning she began VSED (Voluntary Stopping Eating and Drinking). Her death was months after my INELDA training. Three months (99 days) after she died, my partner of 13 years died by suicide. I feel that this scope of death experiences has heightened my sensitivity and empathy for others. Radical self-care has been integral to my being able to continue working.    

Who has been one of your teachers or mentors? With gratitude in my heart, I stand on the shoulders of my ancestors and those who tended the dying and dead long before an industry was created. My teachers and guides include: my heart, my intuition, my life experiences surrounding death and dying, Shelby Kirillin, Nicole Heidbreder, Merilynne Rush, Deanna Cochrane, Alua Arthur, Sarah Kerr, Karen Wyatt, B.J. Miller, Mary Oliver, and so many more. Thank you all for sharing your knowledge and experience. I’d like to add Death to this list of teachers. I came up with a quote some years ago, “Death is a Life Coach!”

What do you wish you had known when you started as a doula? I thought for certain people would be knocking on my door immediately after training. This was not the case. While I have a degree in Small Business Management and Entrepreneurship, and have experience in fulfilling niche markets with innovative services, I was unaware of just how much pioneering I would have to accomplish following training. Before choosing to train with INELDA in 2017-18, I contacted all four doulas in North Carolina on the website’s directory at the time; two replied. Today, there are 24 doulas listed in INELDA’s directory for the state (and 22 on NEDA’s with little overlap) and now I am one of the doulas interested folx can contact with questions. While I’ve resided for over 13 years in a small town, surrounded by rather well-educated people, I have found that whatever someone’s education level may be, it has nothing to do with being death literate. We must educate our communities so they are aware of what EOL doulas offer and not expect everyone to readily understand what we see as a need. I wish I had known how steep the pioneering curve was going to be. It makes sense that being just one of a handful of EOL doulas in my state has led to countless hours of outreach to educate the community. I have come to accept this role and know future doulas will stand on my shoulders.

Do you have any words of encouragement for fellow doulas? Be ready to reach out to your community and be prepared to educate, educate, educate! Offer free educational presentations with nothing to actively sell (of course lay out your business cards). Connect with area EOL doulas. Start a doula group, informal or formal, like the one I co-founded two weeks after training, called the End Of Life Doulas Of The Triangle (EOLDOTT). Start attending or even create a death cafe or Death Over Dinner meetings – not to gain clients but to help support death positive conversations in your community. I have found many of my local colleagues (and friends!) through death cafés. Now many of them are on my resource list, which includes a green burial educator/activist, natural casket maker, and shroud maker, as well as progressive funeral directors and home funeral guides. These colleagues and I formed a Community Care Group to provide accessible educational resources to the general public. Network with others so your name becomes synonymous with being a “go to” deathcare professional. Volunteer, as I have, for various committees in doula organizations to perpetuate the lift created years ago so we all may keep progressing. Give care to yourself first. Follow your heart’s knowing.

What is your dream for your practice or doulas in general? My dream is to support, guide, and educate people so the dying experience, for all involved, becomes richer and results in people feeling cared for, listened to, respected, and comforted. This applies to all of our diverse communities. My dream includes our work being broadly respected by hospice and hospital staff, and for them to see and validate the need for our services. I dream of seeing “end-of-life doula” become a household term. 

Website: BalanceForLifeAndDeath (Coming soon!)  Email: [email protected]

The opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors. They do not purport to reflect the opinions or views of INELDA or its staff.