In the late fall of 2019, my husband of 30 years, Shane, was diagnosed with an aggressive form of lung cancer. He was 55 years old. Chemo and radiation bought him a little time to do things he wanted to do as well as to spend time with friends and family. Unfortunately, shortly after he was diagnosed we were also in a worldwide pandemic that restricted everything.

Witnessing the deterioration of a mind and body from a terminal illness caused me to feel especially adamant about dignity and respect during dying, and about Shane being surrounded by love and compassion. I felt as if this would be my one last gift to him. In the summer of 2020, I asked all of his friends to write something about him, a story funny or otherwise, that showed Shane’s character. I would then put the collection of stories into a book for our new grandson, who was born shortly before the diagnosis. The letters poured in, and Shane sat silently as he read each one carefully. He was amazed at the impression he left upon people, and he cherished those letters. I was so happy that he was able to understand the impacts he made while he was still living.

Shane did hospice at home for three weeks until his death. Our adult children and I are blessed that we had that option. There was always someone here with him, to hold his hand, lie with him, talk to him, love on him, and listen to him. I couldn’t help but think of the people dying alone in the hospital during the pandemic. No one should ever have to leave this world alone. Shortly after he died, I began scouring the internet for information. I needed to know everything I could about the things we experienced during hospice, from him seeing and hearing his deceased family members to why cancer took him so fast. I wanted to know if the things we did for him were of value, from how we sat vigil to how we cared for him. What I ended up finding was that there’s an entire field of people out there who are trained in this, and they are called end-of-life doulas! Who knew?! The letters I collected from his friends? Turns out that’s what we call a legacy project.

How long have you been doing this type of work?

Although one might argue my doula career started in 2020 when my husband was dying, I officially became a death doula in April of 2021 after training with INELDA. I am almost finished with my certification process. I have always held a sacred space for the art of dying and for creating something lasting to honor the deceased. I suppose I’ve always been a doula at heart, and that is why I was so drawn to this profession.

What type of environment do you work in?

I work with hospices in my area. My patients are in nursing facilities, assisted living, and their homes. I have been a doula in person as well as online. I have also had the privilege to help many friends understand what is happening to their dying parents. So much so that I wrote a booklet which is now used in some hospices. Active Dying: What It’s Like to Die and How to Provide Care and Comfort to the Dying is one booklet in a series of my end-of-life guides. Assembling my knowledge came easily, as I am also an author.

What do you do before you meet with a new client?

I like to get myself into a good headspace before each meeting. I meditate and pray, and I do a little ritual cleansing to clear my mind. A lot of times I will head to the park so I can immerse myself in nature. There is something extremely healing about trees and water, birds and wind, and the fragrance of the great outdoors. This is important because I have to be in a calm space and bring positive energy with me to my client. I know full well what it is like to have a loved one with a terminal diagnosis. Therefore, I need to be able to bring utmost compassion and be able to listen intently.

Can you share a short anecdote or insight that changed you?

As previously mentioned, my husband’s death changed my life. The atmosphere of the room as he lay dying will be something I will never forget. I can still feel it rippling throughout my mind and body. I learned so much from him. That death isn’t like it is in the movies. It’s not easy and simple. Leaving your body is hard a lot of times! Having love and support around you is absolutely a wonderful asset to the dying person.

Who has been one of your teachers or mentors?

I have some strong ancestral components that comprise my empathetic and compassionate side. I come from a long line of strong women, so they have been (for my first 56 years) my mentors. I also have a strong online presence with Being Better Humans and ZenSational Living with Sheila Burke, which, over the last decade or so, were established to show the good in the world and to help people find value in themselves and others. To look for the positive and to go through all the muck of life rather than trying to bypass it. And in the creation of those online platforms, my teachers and mentors are among the greats who have benefited so many. Thich Nhat Hahn, the Dalai Lama, Lao Tzu, Kahlil Gibran, Ram Dass, Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle—there are too many to name. Peter Fenwick and his extensive research into near-death experiences. Oh, and let’s not forget James Redfield, Richard D. Rowland, or Paulo Coelho, who are a few authors who have certainly impacted my thinking.

What do you wish you had known when you started as a doula?

I was pretty amazed at how death-unfriendly a lot of the world is, but most especially in the Western world. I mean, I knew people had taboos and stuff about discussing dying and death, but it’s sad just how many people are afraid of or inhibited from discussing death and dying. There are a lot of people out there who love the doula concept but have trouble convincing death-afraid people around them of the importance of a doula.

Do you have any words of encouragement for fellow doulas?

Be patient. Volunteer. Get your foot in the door. This is a labor of love, a calling. Much of your early work will be pro bono. Just remember why you are doing this, and don’t worry about the money, or lack of it.

What is your dream for your practice or doulas in general?

My hope is that as a society we get back to taking care of our dying. We’ve pushed that away and outsourced it. Yes, taking care of our dying is hard—of course it is! Up until a hundred years ago, we were doing it! We did it as part of the community, friendship, and family bonds. I hope that those who wish to die at home, in a familiar place, with familiar people, surrounded by love and respect will be able to. I hope society once again finds the value in ritual and vigil, because those shore up the sacredness and sanctity of dying. It is my wish that everyone who wants a doula at the end of their life can have one. That their wishes are honored and they are compassionately and properly tended to.

I hope that my contribution as an author continues to benefit everyday people like me as well as caretakers and professionals. My dream is to keep helping everyone I can in whatever capacity I am able. To continue to be a light in this ever-changing world. How we act, what we say, and even what we feel leaves an imprint upon the energy flowing through every one of us.