Grieving in the Midst of a Pandemic

by Henry Fersko-Weiss

 

Never before in our history have we faced so many forms of loss all at once on a global scale. Not only does this change how people are dying and the traditional rituals after death, but it is severely confounding the way we grieve. To explore how the current pandemic is affecting the way we grieve we spent time talking to Ken Doka, a Senior Consultant with Hospice Foundation of America and a prolific writer on grief, as well as Robert Neimeyer, professor emeritus of psychology at University of Memphis and the Director of the Pacific Institute for Loss and Transition, which offers training and certification in grief therapy.

Henry: What is different about grieving a death—from COVID-19 or any other illness—right now in this pandemic time?

Doka: The traditional rituals that provide social support aren’t happening now. Only a limited number of people are able to be present at a funeral or at the graveside. And for those people grieving a death that wasn’t from coronavirus, they feel that their loss is disenfranchised. It isn’t viewed with the same significance. We saw the same thing after 9/11.

Neimeyer: In normal times grieving requires us to reconstruct our sense of meaning in the face of the loss we have experienced. But in the context of coronavirus, we are robbed of the opportunity to sit alongside our loved one as they are dying—in the hospital or at home—holding their hand, sharing stories or a laugh, making amends, seeking forgiveness… this breaks our heart further and affects every death, not just the ones from the COVID deaths. Reconstructing meaning now is much more difficult. The emotions of grief can’t be communicated well when we only connect through machines (the computer and the phone). 

Henry: Given that people can’t come together in the way they would have before coronavirus, are there ways to work around the current obstacles?

Doka: Many people are putting off the rituals following a death, planning a memorial service for when the country can open up again. Others are streaming funerals online. But it’s the in-person contacts that are missing and can’t be entirely replaced with phone calls or Skype.

Neimeyer: Memorial services validate what has transpired and helps to empower people. Since we can only do this in a very limited way we have to think up alternative rituals. You can orchestrate joint viewings virtually to make it a full family affair. Find a useful role for each member of the family. For example, perhaps the grandchildren can light candles each in their own place but shared over Zoom. Everyone can listen to favorite songs the person loved, etc.

Henry: How does the general sense of anxiety and the other losses brought on by the pandemic complicate or compound the grief of a death right now?

Doka: We’re all experiencing many non-death losses: financial, work, physical distancing itself. We have added trauma to the normal grieving process. The world doesn’t feel as safe and benevolent as it did before coronavirus. It feels similar to what I remember from the polio epidemic in the summer of 1954, when children were kept at home and all the public pools were closed. But what we’re experiencing now is unprecedented in my lifetime.

Neimeyer: If you look at the risk factors for complicated grief you will see that many of them apply to the current situation: social isolation, unresolved relationships, lack of access to healthcare, and other major life stressors, such as financial hardships—all of these factors add up to people feeling marginalized and disempowered. This volatile combination will have a staggering impact on grief. It will complicate every grief, whether the death is from COVID-19 or not. We are likely to see an increase in suicides, domestic violence, and severe depression. As weeks turn into months there is an enormous risk of depressive withdrawal and collapse. All of this is likely to result in a generation of complicated grief.

Henry: Given how any death at this time is complicated by all the factors the two of you have mentioned, what can people do to move ahead in their grief at this time?

Doka: First, we need to remember that grief is a very individual process. While the contours of it may be similar how people grieve depends on the personality of the person grieving, their grieving style, the nature of the relationship with the person who died, and what the loss means in their life. People need to find support wherever they can. They need to talk it through with the people in their lives who can listen, whether that’s family, friends, or online bereavement groups. That kind of support is crucial. People are basically resilient and happily that resilience will continue even if it takes people a little longer to rediscover it.

Neimeyer: People need to go beyond the default options for finding support and managing their grief. People need to create communities of concern to foster solidarity. That might involve Inviting people from different states and cities to join in. They can play music, share silence together with their eyes closed, make time for story circles to offer remembrances. Anything that honors a loved one helps people grieve. People can create shadow boxes with prized possessions; they can paint ceramic plates with scenes or symbols that were important to the person who died; each person can write about how this person has imprinted their lives because of mannerisms they share, basic personality traits, a vocation, the values they share, and their common life goals. These writings can be shared with family and a person’s Facebook community. Death doulas are in the very best place to bring some other innovative approaches to support people who are grieving.

As I listened to these two bereavement experts talk about the complicated nature of grief it bolstered my belief that doulas can play a very important role right now in the way friends, family, or clients grieve. We can make sure we create increased opportunities for people to talk about any death they have recently experienced, or will experience during this pandemic. We have been trained in deep active listening, which is the kind of listening people need. 

When our country opens up again we will also have an opportunity to deal with the delayed grief that will surface as all of the other worries and anxieties calm down. Even if it is 18 months from now, the unattended grief over a death will resurface and need to be processed. That is when as doulas we can utilize the skills we have in ritual, guided visualization, and legacy to help guide people through the grief they buried until they could open that door safely.

In the box below you will see some other suggestions for dealing with a death in this time. These suggestions were inspired by the conversation with Ken Doka and Robert Neimeyer, as well as from the model INELDA teaches. Next month we will continue the conversation with Ken Doka and Robert Neimeyer to focus on non-death grief, the “living losses” that all of us are experiencing, the long-term impact of these losses on our lives, and what we can do to mitigate that form of grief. 

 

          How Doulas Can Support People Grieving Now

 

• Help them Create a personal ritual to conduct virtually across multiple locations
• Talk often to them about the person who died and their grief
• Remember that visual connections are better than texts or emails
• Encourage people to write their thoughts and feelings in a journal
• Help people create legacy projects that can be built in pieces and put together later
• Offer individual online grief counseling and groups if you have the training
• Ask people how they managed other challenging losses or transitions
• Talk to people about their strengths and resilience
• Remind people to stay in the present and focus on the people and pets they love
• Encourage people to do things that feed them, such as playing music or creating art
• If you live close leave a note of inspiration at the front door for them to find
• Bring a take-out meal for them to enjoy
• Visit the grave when you can and let them know you did
• Take a walk together 6-feet apart to offer support