How to Stay Engaged Even in the Midst of Covid-19
by Christy Marek
Tearing myself away from an afternoon absorbed by news coverage of the storming of the U.S. Capitol last week, I made myself a strong cup of ginger tea and padded slowly to my office to begin the Zoom meeting. I fully anticipated that I might be the only doula in attendance for the Peer Mentoring Group gathering given the unthinkable that was continuing to unfold in our country being broadcast across the air waves. Yet in the minutes leading up to the top of the hour when we were scheduled to start, my heart lightened as I noticed more and more names populating the virtual waiting room.
“Of course,” I thought.
With all we’ve already encountered in the past year, why would I think an attempted coup of our democracy would keep us from coming together as a community to explore creative ways to continue doing our vital work of serving the dying?
Because clearly, it wouldn’t.
The 25-plus beautiful humans who joined me that night reminded me with their deep presence, sparkling enthusiasm, and generous willingness to share with one another, that this is the hallmark of the doula heart – being among those committed to run in when the rest of the world runs out.
Nothing will keep us from moving forward.
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On the first Wednesday of each month, we offer this much needed opportunity for all trained doulas who are INELDA members to gather together in support of one another as we find our way in these uncertain and unprecedented times.
Sometimes this support looks like creating a receptive space to hear the stories and concerns of those doing the work as they talk about what it’s like out there. Sometimes this support looks like exploring together how we can best go about finding clients, connecting with hospices, and continuing to educate about the EOLD role and the benefits of what we offer. And sometimes, this support looks like sharing ideas for how to continue making strides toward doing the doula work once things open up a bit further.
Each gathering yields a different constellation of interest and experience, so no two meetings are alike. By bringing our collective wisdom to the meeting, we doula each other as we acclimate to the challenges and unexpected opportunities before us. It gives us space to be present with the difficulty of bringing something “new” to the forefront in our present sociopolitical environment.
So, if you are feeling stymied as to how to maintain your momentum as you continue to navigate this unknowable time, here are some ideas surfacing from the Peer Mentoring Group:
1. Think outside the box about what is possible. First and foremost, it’s important to know that there are doulas out there doing the work. Trust that with a little ingenuity, you can, too. You may just need to honor that it looks different right now than you might have imagined or expected. Doulas can sit out on the driveway with a bereaved family, socially-distanced, conducting a grief ritual. You can explore legacy with a client via Zoom when it’s too cold to meet in person outdoors. You might talk by phone with a family member, helping to navigate the emotions of not being able to be with a dying loved one. You can take a walk or attend at the bedside wearing a mask in certain situations.How might you find unconventional ways to still show up? Uncommon times call for uncommon measures, all in the service of continuing the work.
2. Imagine the work you would be doing with individuals and families, if you could. Commit to spending time envisioning how you most want to serve. What needs are most glaring in your community around end-of-life care and how would you most like to meet them? What is your biggest dream? And no matter what obstacles you see to moving forward, how can you leap over them or move around them?If you don’t have a website yet, play with writing your copy, exploring for yourself what makes you unique as a doula. Maybe you have the experience to specialize in grief work, love creative legacy projects, or have had a career as an event planner that makes you especially skilled in vigil planning, organizing rituals or funerals. If you feel unsure, ask friends to share with you what they come to you for – if they needed a doula, what would make them choose you? Treating this as incubation time will allow you to focus on the possibilities of your work, so you will be ready to hit the ground running when things open up.
3. Take a deep dive into your interests around death and dying, grief and loss. If you’re like most of us, when you hear about great podcasts, articles, books, movies, you-name-it, you write it down on some scrap of paper for later. Now is an opportune time to compile that list of resources and dive right in. Read The Five Invitations, by Frank Ostaseski, or Atul Gawande’s classic, Being Mortal. Make your way through the almost 300 (!) episodes of Karen Wyatt’s End of Life University Have you watched the new Netflix series, Surviving Death yet? Season One features six episodes of provocative exploration of what happens when we die. Good stuff! Just as many of you shared great ideas with each other during training, and continue to do so in the private Facebook group, the Peer Mentoring gatherings provide a chance to share don’t-miss favorites with each other.If “all” you did during this time was make headway through your list, following your curiosity to the next thing that captures your interest in the end-of-life arena, it would be a great way to spend the time sequestered at home.
4. Brainstorm ideas for educating your community. We often say that the real work of being an end-of-life doula is the grassroots effort to educate, educate, educate! This doesn’t mean you have to become a public speaker (unless you want to), but it does invite you to get creative about spreading the word about the end-of-life doula role and the gap it fills in care of the dying. Do you feel inspired to pitch an article or offer to do an interview with your local paper? Will you organize and lead (or co-lead with another doula if you aren’t comfortable going it alone) a Death Café at your local library or via Zoom? If one-to-one is more your style, who are the movers and shakers in your community or the organizations (think funeral homes, estate planners, grief counselors, retirement communities, homecare agencies, etc.) that need to know about the work you’re doing?Come up with a list of ideas and take some action on the ones that feel most exciting to you.
5. Get your own end-of-life planning in order. It’s one thing to recommend to your clients that they do their advanced care directives and other end-of-life paperwork, or even to assist them in it. And entirely another to do yours. You might be surprised how many doulas haven’t taken care of this important documentation. If you do have your own planning done, can you offer to support your loved ones in theirs?Or, maybe it’s time to review and update your own: Do your people know where to find your information? Do any of your online accounts need to be updated with new passwords to keep them current? Have you created or added to your Deathbed Playlist full of music you’d love to listen to on your way out?
Trust that any energy you devote to this now – for yourself and those closest to you – will continue to build your skills for clients you work with in the future.
I hope you’ll let these ideas serve as inspiration for the endless things you can do during this pandemic time to keep making progress, even if things feel slower than you’d like. Certainly, don’t discount the impact of the baby steps you take now in the spirit of broadening your own interests and experience.
Most of all, if you’re a trained doula and INELDA member, I hope you’ll register to join us the first Wednesday of every month – from 7:00-8:30pm EST – to make deeper connections within our EOLD community and have enlivening conversations about this passion we all share: changing the way we collectively engage with end of life. Click here for more details.