| TOOLBOX TIPS |
 |
“Let me know if you need anything.” It’s an offer bereaved people hear from friends, neighbors, and family members. I have often wondered if people who say this genuinely expect a grieving person to take them up on this offer, and what that “anything” might mean. I recently started a thread on the INELDA Private EOL Doula Group page on Facebook with the following question: “Has anyone started a list of ‘anythings’?”
|
|
The responses to my query were wonderful suggestions that can fit many different needs and circumstances. They could be plugged into volunteer coordination software such as SignUpGenius to organize support for bereaved individuals and families.
Here is a list of some of the “anythings” people shared: Accompany the person to self-care activities (yoga, religious services, etc.); assist with making plans for holidays and anniversary dates; clean areas in the home where the person might not feel comfortable asking for help, such as bathrooms and bedrooms; coordinate doctor appointments; help organize closets; pick up groceries; return shopping purchases; sit in the person’s home during services to discourage thieves; take out garbage and recycling; wash the car and fill the tank; walk their dog; and weed the garden.
—Anja Webster
|
|
| SHARING SOURCES |
| Pet Peace of Mind |
|
Most people who have pets think of them as part of the family. When pet owners are dying, they worry about how their pets will be cared for when they are no longer able to—as well as what will happen to their pets after they die. If nobody in their circle of friends, family, or neighbors steps forward to provide that care and give those pets a new home, they might end up at a local shelter, where their future is in doubt. Pet Peace of Mind, an Oregon-based nonprofit organization, was created to solve this problem.
|
 |
|
The organization started operating in May 2009. It now serves dying pet owners in almost 250 hospices and palliative care programs across the United States and rehomes between 3,000 and 3,500 animals each year: dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, horses, reptiles—the full spectrum of pets people keep. The most unusual pet rehomed was a tarantula. More than 4,000 patients are served each year through the Pet Peace of Mind volunteer program.
|
|
|
|
|
|
ASK INELDA
|
 |
|
What would you do if someone in a family is unwilling to carry out end-of-life plans and after-death care, even when those plans were written by the dying individual?
—A.F.
|
|
Trainer Shelby Kirillin: Many times I have found that unwilling participants in end-of-life plans don’t understand the dying person’s rationale or have a personal connection that makes them hesitant to carry out certain activities. When faced with this, I would sit with those individuals and simply ask what their thoughts and expectations are around their loved one’s plans. I try to understand their perspective around end-of-life and after-death care. We doulas can’t be attached to outcomes, nor are we “the end-of-life police.” However, it is possible to help align everyone and find shared goals.
For example, I had a client who wanted a Buddhist ritual performed during her dying process. Her Catholic brothers and sisters didn’t want the ritual to take place. After I heard their concerns, we talked about how people experience grief differently and therefore need to be supported differently. They decided to allow friends to perform the ceremony without them present.
Another tip is to share the dying person’s requests with family and friends as early as possible. It gives people time to think through the wishes of the dying person and ask them direct questions. In the end we are here to serve as advocates to the dying, but it’s important to remember that it’s not our responsibility to control the narrative.
|
Please submit questions to [email protected]
|
|
|
| Self-Care Prescription |
|
Use time blocking. For those of us in the service of caring for people, it is essential to create routines and habits that allow for the continued maintenance of our mental and physical health. Many of us discuss the ongoing need for self-care, but how many of us actually integrate it into our weekly or daily lives? One technique that I find very helpful in supporting my self-care efforts is “time blocking,” which breaks the day or week into specific times for the activities I engage in regularly, including my self-care rituals.
Time blocking works for many successful people, from former President Barack Obama to author Elizabeth Gilbert, who apply this strategy to their busy schedules so important personal activities don’t get left out. Breaking your time into segments for your self-care needs can go a long way toward balancing the intensity of doula work. Sectioning 30-minute to two-hour time blocks for things such as meditation, physical activity, social time, watching a movie, reading a book, or playing an instrument will allow us to reconnect with our center and replenish our energy.
It helps to consider our own self-care part of the service we provide to dying people and their loved ones. Without it we become much less able to provide the empathy and compassion that our clients need from us.
— Loren Talbot
|
 |
|
