Modern medicine is unable to heal me.
AS damages my joints, I can’t move freely;
AS melds my vertebrae, I can’t stand tall or breathe as normal;
AS makes me frail, I can’t sleep nor thrive.
Sometimes I think having AS is cruel—at any moment, the Sword of Damocles could fall.
Sometimes I think having AS is lucky—the Sword is only hanging.
Even in sickness, I retain my ability to learn, work, and ponder.
And in the good days, life is a wild dance under the sun,
With a dark cloud crossing my mind, only occasionally.
But when illness strikes, I realize
I should have been held captive, not wishing for more.
All the sunny days and gentle breeze are all but stolen.
I will fret, detest, and reprimand myself.
After all, who wants to be so young, yet so constrained?
Who wants to say yes to such an arrangement?
I’m not going to be preposterous.
I know I must put up a peaceful resistance
By unyielding in setback, by compromise but not giving in.
I know to halt is for going further,
I know I can make something out of nothing.
I know there are pains that I must bear,
And certain happiness that I must forego.
I know I must try harder, alone.
Rarely anyone endorses my belief,
Yet I persevere
In my journey to find courage and wisdom,
And to take responsibility for my own decisions.
Even though my heart trembles from fear, when writing down this line.
More importantly, I understand
Although I don’t have a good deck of cards,
Although the same effort cannot bring the same result,
I still believe the journey itself is glory.
Because life is not just about how high one reaches at the end
But more about how far one rises above the self,
And rises above what was given by life.
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