A Guide to Grief
by Cole Imperi // Illustrated by Bianca Jagoe
Cole Imperi is a thanatologist, award-winning author, and researcher whose work focuses on the use of nonclinical tools in support of those experiencing loss and grief. She is the founder of the School of American Thanatology, where she both teaches and conducts research under the school’s ThanaLab and which has students in more than 30 countries. Through her development of Shadowloss Theory and her pioneering work in the field of thanabotany, Cole seeks to bridge the gaps left by the decline in nonclinical, community-led bereavement support. Cole has given multiple TEDx Talks on Shadowloss and resiliency, has appeared on the Netflix series The Future of, and has served as an expert for WNYC’s Radiolab, The Atlantic, The New York Times, Ologies, MoMA, and more. A Guide to Grief has won an Honor Book Award for the California Reading Association’s 2024 Eureka! Nonfiction Children’s Book Awards, and was a finalist for the California Independent Booksellers Alliance Golden Poppy Award for excellence in children’s nonfiction. INELDA-educator WIlka Roig was a peer reviewer for the book.
Excerpt:
If your friend is grieving, you are not responsible for changing the way that they feel. The best way you can help a friend is by just being there for them, as they are, and not trying to change or fix them.
Have you told a friend a story, and as you spoke, maybe they gasped or exclaimed, “No way!” at dramatic parts or their brow furrowed at sad or strange parts? Making eye contact and reacting is part of being present, but there’s more to it. Someone who is present not only gives you their full attention, but they also don’t try to tell you how you could have done something better or tell you what you did wrong. They just listened. They heard you. They asked you questions about your experience. They weren’t judgmental. That is being present.
And what is a present? A present is a gift. It is a wonderful feeling to have a friend who just wants to hear the good, the bad and the ugly from you but doesn’t want to change you or try to take your problems on as projects.
To be present for a grieving friend, you could say something like, “You are my friend and I want to keep being your friend. I think you might be overwhelmed, and I wanted to know if I could help. How can I help you right now?”
Your friend might decline your help, and that’s okay. It’s enough to reassure them that you are still friends and that you want to keep being friends.
Being there for a friend means that you want to know how they’re doing, what they’re feeling, what’s been going well and what’s been going poorly. It means you are willing to roll up your sleeves and help.
Supportive Questions
The way you ask questions can make a big difference. For example, imagine being asked one of the following two questions:
WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?
How are you feeling today?
The first question probably feels a little accusatory; it sounds like something is wrong with you, like you are somehow a problem. The second question is asked without any accusation—it’s asked with invitation. It is asked with curiosity. Instead of asking, “What can I do?” try asking, “How can I be there for you right now?” or, “How can I support you?”
Sometimes, it can be a burden for someone who is grieving to think of ways people can help them. It adds to their mental load. Tackling an everyday task for them can be a surprisingly impactful way to help. This can include dropping library books off, picking up snacks or doing one of their chores, like mowing the lawn.
It’s also good to tell your friend you care about them and they’re important to you.
Truly supporting a friend means that you choose to walk alongside them in their experience. You are not there to judge, correct or change them.
You are there for them to lean on if they need it and there to cheer them on the whole way. Being present means keeping your friend company as they move through the events of their life.
Excerpted from A Guide to Grief. Copyright © 2024, Cole Imperi; illustrations © 2024 Bianca Jagoe. Used by permission of Kids Can Press.
Visit Cole’s Website to order a copy of the A Guide to Grief