Patty Brennan | The Doula Business Guide: How to Succeed as a Birth, Postpartum or End-of-Life Doula

My goodness, this can be a challenge! There is an art to being on call, but we must start by acknowledging that it is not only difficult for us; it is also very challenging for our partners, children, friends, and extended family. Because we can never say, absolutely, that we will be there, anywhere, and disappointments are inevitable.

One luxury not enjoyed by those of us on call is procrastination. For moms, it is especially challenging. If there is not a bite of ready-made food in the house or a clean set of clothes on hand, then who is going to whip it together for the kids when you are attending to a client in the morning? The empty gas tank, essential car repair, empty wallet, or urgent bank deposit—none of it can be left until some nebulous future moment. When we are on call, it is our job to be ready. So, we must garner some discipline and have our *#@! together. 

On the other hand, as you do your best, managing to leave everyone in reasonable condition on the home front as you head off to a birth or death vigil, then you need to trust that your support system is in place and let it go. And here is some advice: (1) Do not call home during a birth or vigil to see how they are managing in your absence. Seriously, you do not want to know. What can you do about it? And if it is not pretty, it will adversely affect your ability to be fully present for the family who needs you. (2) Do not call home as soon as the baby is born, or your client dies, to say that you will be home “in two hours.” I cannot tell you how many times I backed myself into this stressful corner and came home to a distraught husband because it was three hours, not two. You see, once he got word that relief was at hand, he set his coping mechanism for two hours. Every minute past two hours was pure torture from his perspective. A better strategy was to call and let him know when I was on my way. Until then, my time belongs to the family I am serving.

One day I had an epiphany upon coming home, after a long vigil and sleepless night, to a house in chaos, overflowing wastebaskets, dirty dishes, irritable husband, and children wanting attention. Understandably, I was feeling “what’s so hard about this? I do it every day!” And then it happened. I realized he was doing his best. Seriously, I wished he could manage it better, but he was willing, and he was trying, and I needed to recognize that it was hard for him too. 

In working with my children’s teachers and school commitments, I decided to let the teachers know, at the beginning of each school year, that I would not be volunteering to help chaperone school trips or events. I could not even be counted on to deliver a fresh plate of cookies at a specified time. However, I also informed her that I would be her go-to backup person if a scheduled chaperone were unable to show. On the spur of the moment, I would help if I could. I gave myself permission to do this, felt justified in doing so, and never felt guilty about it. 

A childcare support system, with multiple layers of backup, is necessary for doula parents on call. Contingency plans must be in place. I will always remember fondly the handful of times that my friend Mickey’s husband, Scott, dropped pajama-clad, sleepy-eyed children and pillows off at my house at 7 a.m. as he headed off to work while Mickey was attending a birth. Mickey, a sister doula and homeschooling mother of two, lived a couple blocks away and our kids were the same ages. There is no one who can better understand than someone in the same boat! But Mickey and I were only one piece of each other’s multilayered childcare backup plans.

The art of being on call is a balancing act that involves having trustworthy support systems (childcare, backup doulas) in place so that when you are not called to support a family, you can be absent needless worry and allow your nervous system to fully relax. If we bring excess tension to the on-call aspect of our work, and limit ourselves from enjoying our lives between births or death vigils due to the impending claim on our time, it will translate as adrenal depletion and nervous system exhaustion. Endeavor to keep yourself in the present moment and put a lid on any tendency to overcommit (whether it is taking on too many clients or volunteering at your children’s schools). You have important work to do that benefits families and the greater society; you are making your own unique contribution. There is no need for excuses or guilt, and it is a sign of wisdom to know your limits.