Pass the Potatoes, and Can We Talk About End of Life?
by Loren Talbot
Based on the droves of people who saw the Barbie movie this year (whether they liked it or not), her character may have already prepared us for some important holiday conversations. Everyone, even people not in our field, thinks about death—they just aren’t always talking about it. Some of us may have worked with our loved ones supporting them while they were dying or grieving, while others may be embarking on something new and haven’t yet had that conversation with the people closest to them. Sometimes it is easier supporting strangers than it is the ones we love.
Based on the droves of people who saw the Barbie movie this year (whether they liked it or not), her character may have already prepared us for some important holiday conversations. Everyone, even people not in our field, thinks about death—they just aren’t always talking about it. Some of us may have worked with our loved ones supporting them while they were dying or grieving, while others may be embarking on something new and haven’t yet had that conversation with the people closest to them. Sometimes it is easier supporting strangers than it is the ones we love.
So as we step into a season of celebration with families and friends gathering for the many holidays that culminate at this time of year around the world, let’s turn some of the conversations we often have to our own circle. Death positivity and dismantling the taboo around end of life starts with the conversations we have with the ones closest to us. We become the best advocates for the work that we offer. When we are able to discuss the impetus for the support we offer, others become more inclined to discuss.
A small tradition in my family is to always say the names of those who no longer sit at the table with us. By evoking their presence and their memory into the room, we honor their lives and those we gather with who may still be grieving their death. What are some of the traditions you bring into your spaces at the holidays? What may you offer and bring to the table this year?
For those who may already have a comfortable conversation around death with the people they are gathering with, how about checking in and diving into some of the more important conversations that we have as doulas with our guests? While you don’t have to turn your festivities into a full Death Over Dinner agenda (but why not?), how can you encourage the conversation with people you may hold dear but don’t get to see so often? This is an opportunity to plant the seed.
There are many tools out there, and while this suggestion list is by no means exhaustive, consider bringing one (or any other you have in your toolbox already) to family gatherings this season.
For the tabletop:
- The Conversation Game (European ordering)
- The Death Deck
- Death Over Dinner
- Go Wish Cards
- Heart to Heart Cards (written in Chinese and English)
To capture the shared stories:
- Record with StoryCorps for the Library of Congress
- Capture and make a book through Remento
If you are sleeping in your childhood home:
- Document items with Artifcts
Advance care planning for after dessert:
- The African-American Spiritual and Ethical Guide to End-of-Life Care
- The Conversation Project (available in Chinese, English, and Spanish)
- Five Wishes
- My Directives
- Prepare for Your Care