Self-care Prescription

by Nicole Heidbreder

As human beings, creating and enforcing boundaries is foundational to taking care of ourselves. Without boundaries, we can easily lose track of where we begin and end. When we set personal boundaries, we are engaging in an act of self-love that, in its truest form honors the space between ourselves and others. It honors the spiritual exchange between beings.

In the many roles in my life – as a daughter, sister, friend, lover, teacher, nurse, doula, instructor, child of the universe, and student – I have learned that the most important self-care tool I can ever work on are my boundaries. Similarly, the benefits I’ve gained from creating and enforcing personal boundaries have been powerful contributors to my professional and personal evolution. It is essential to my physical, spiritual, and emotional health that I know my own limitations.

I have had to learn the importance of being able to say “no” from a loving, compassionate place. At the same time, it turns out that this is one of the most difficult things for me to lean into at times, and I know I’m not alone in this. Typical reasons why we don’t honor our boundaries include wanting to get hired and keep our job, fear of being fired, wanting to belong, wanting to fix or save someone who we think is headed in the wrong direction, wanting to keep a relationship we are afraid of losing, etc.

Some of the boundaries I’ve established in my professional practice are around time management. In my roles as nurse or doula, I have often stayed longer with clients/loved ones than what we had agreed to. (I’ve observed that people in helping professions do this often!) Many times this resulted in me canceling plans with friends. When we do this too much it blurs the boundary between our professional life and personal life, which has been true for me at times.

On the personal side, I’ve had to confront inadequate boundaries with friends. Early in my career it was not uncommon for me to spend less time with my actual clients than I did on the phone, comforting friends as one of their loved ones was dying. Of course, this was a natural expression of my love for my friends. But I soon realized it was taking time away from how I actually support myself and understood that I needed to course correct. To this end, I created boundaries around how much time I could be on the phone with friends. This change did not mean being unavailable to my loved ones, but instead of spending 2 hours on the phone with them, I kept calls to 30 minutes. This way my boundary honored that I define myself as someone whose friends are like family, while also honoring my practical needs to pay my rent and my student loans.

You and I know that many people who go into ‘helping’ professions tend to be natural givers. I love that I am in communities with other ‘givers.’ The issue is that many of us don’t know when to stop giving and doing for others. In our professional roles as doulas this impulse often comes from our desire to embody our values: we want to be great at what we do, to be effective, and we passionately want to help someone at a vulnerable time in their life. And while these are beautiful intentions, they can easily lead us to a place of over-giving, which in turn can cause us to feel alone in, and overwhelmed by, our work. These feelings – of being overwhelmed, and/or resentful – are early indicators of a boundary issue. Experiences of anger and rage are late signs.

If this resonates but you aren’t sure how to begin establishing boundaries, focusing on time management can be a good place to start. Try making a commitment to yourself to limit client appointments or phone calls to 90 minutes. Don’t try to change everything at once. Set discreet, attainable goals.

It is vital that you know your limitations. Doing so supports knowing your own worth and that of your clients/patients! I’ve come to know the value of what I offer. I also recognize that I can be a catalyst for people’s growth without compromising my health. As doulas, we can offer support without going to a place of extension beyond what is good for us. What’s magical about this is that by embodying our boundaries, we become models for our clients and patients to do the same. The opposite is also true: over-giving and overextending to them is modeling maladaptive behavior. It harms you and it harms them.

So remember: The best thing that any human, and especially a doula, can do to practice more self-care in their life is to create and enforce their boundaries!