The Power of Self-Compassion

In the INELDA training, we teach how critical it is for doulas to take care of themselves. Service to dying people and their loved ones expose us to some of the most difficult moments in other people’s lives. If we keep our hearts open when we serve—as we should—then we can’t help but absorb some of the pain and suffering we see. Self-care involves using any number of approaches, such as meditation, prayer, centering activities, forest bathing, singing, and so on. But witnessing the physical and emotional pain of those we serve is only one form of suffering the doula work exposes us to. 

Another form of suffering comes from feeling that we didn’t do enough as doulas to change the dying experience for others, or that we messed up in some way, disappointed people, or didn’t measure up. It’s easy to doubt our effectiveness and become critical of our efforts when we hold too tightly to the outcomes we want for others in the dying experience. It happens to every one of us, no matter how many years we do this work. Imperfection in some way or another happens more regularly than we might choose to think. We talked about this in last month’s newsletter blog: Accepting Imperfection. Just as regular is the suffering we put ourselves through because of that imperfection. 

In this article, I want to address a radical approach to easing the suffering we cause ourselves through self-criticism and self-judgment. It is called: “self-compassion.” That concept gained recognition through the pioneering work of Kristin Neff, an Associate Professor of Educational Psychology and Human Development at the University of Texas in Austin. She was the first person to define and measure self-compassion about a dozen years ago. Not only has she done research into its benefits and written about it extensively, but she developed the most widely used scale for measuring self-compassion, which has proven to be highly reliable in all the research that has followed her initial work.

So, what is self-compassion? It is offering yourself the same compassionate understanding and kindness that you would offer another person who is suffering. Instead of judging yourself harshly for failures, or perceived inadequacies and shortcomings, you honor and accept your humanness. 

According to Neff, there are three elements to self-compassion. The first is offering ourselves kindness rather than self-criticism; not getting angry when we or our life falls short of how we want it to be. When we fight internally against our disappointments and failures we only increase the stress and suffering we experience. On the other hand, when we apply the gentleness of self-compassion we experience emotional equilibrium. 

The second component of self-compassion is accepting that we are not alone in dealing with frustration and failure. All humans suffer from the chasm between what we imagine life should offer and the hard reality we must sometimes experience. Inadequacy and imperfection are just as much our birthright as success and joy. The negative times and feelings don’t happen only to “me.” 

The third component comes from not suppressing or exaggerating “negative” feelings. To do that we have to observe our negative emotions clearly and remain open to them. This means not allowing the feelings to overwhelm us and blind us to the larger context of our life.

Self-compassion is not self-indulgent or narcissistic. It’s learning how to open your heart to your own inner suffering in a way that is caring, kind, and insightful. At the same time, it increases your ability to offer compassion to others. Research shows that people who learn to be self-compassionate have lower cortisol levels (the chemical released by your body when you are under stress) and higher heart rate variability. Which means that a person can handle negative feelings better. Research also shows that self-compassionate people are better able to be aware of their feelings and maintain a balanced emotional life. That makes self-compassionate people more available emotionally to others; a quality that certainly leads to better doula work.

You can easily find online a number of different approaches, exercises, and guided practices to help you develop self-compassion. Kristin Neff’s website at www.self-compassion.org is a good resource, as is www.positivepsychology.com. But to get you started I wanted to share two exercises with you that come out of Neff’s work: How Would You Treat a Friend and the Self-Compassion Break.

In the How Would You Treat a Friend exercise you start by thinking about a time that a close friend really thought badly about herself or himself, or was struggling with some aspect of their life and expressed it to you. How did you (or would you) respond to your friend? Write down what you did, what you said, even the tone of your voice. 

Next, think about a time when you felt bad about yourself or were struggling and write down what you did and said to yourself at that time. Look at the difference between how you dealt with your friend’s negative feelings and your own. Also, write down what fears or dynamics played a role in the differences. Lastly, write down how you think your actions, self-talk, and tone would change, if you responded to yourself in the same way you responded to your friend.

This exercise provides a great deal of insight into how terribly we usually treat ourselves. It also helps us see the kind of adjustment it would take to treat ourselves with the same kind of compassion we so easily offer a friend at such moments. When we start to apply the learning from this exercise to the actual moments we experience self-criticism and blame, we begin the process of becoming more self-compassionate. It’s a great exercise to do after a doula visit or shift when you have the time and right space to reflect on what happened—particularly the negative emotions that might have been stirred up for you. 

The next exercise, the Self-Compassion Break, takes only a few minutes, which makes it particularly useful when you are in the midst of doing doula work and negative feelings are triggered by something you just said or did. As soon as you can internally, or in a quiet alone moment as close to the event as possible, allow yourself to keep the negative feelings present, or recall them. Let them just be there—don’t push them away or engage with the inner, looping, negative self-talk. Simply allow the feelings to be present. 

Then say the following things to yourself: “This is a moment of suffering.” Or: “This is painful.” Then say: “Suffering is a part of life.” Or: “We all struggle in our service to others.” You might place your hands on your heart area, if you can do that comfortably. This helps you remember that you are human and all doulas feel this way at times. 

Lastly, you will say to yourself: “May I be kind to myself.” Or: “May I be patient with myself in the doula work.” You can go on with a few other phrases of compassion that occur to you. You may experience great relief at the end of this exercise, which will allow you to return to your doula work with more of an open heart. 

Using these two exercises can have a powerful impact on your doula work and ability to be present even in difficult moments. They will also help you to let go of suffering that might compromise your ability to practice good self-care. Greater self-compassion means less burnout. 

Keep in mind that self-compassion isn’t about turning negative feelings into positive ones. It’s about accepting the feelings you have, recognizing that negative feelings are universal, and being kind to yourself when those negative feelings occur. The more you work with self-compassion, the stronger the effects will be. At first, you may struggle more, or experience the inner pain more intensely, as you become more mindful of your negative feelings, some of which may have been the habits of a lifetime. But over time that will ease and you may find yourself growing and transforming internally as a result.