Working With Grief and Loss During the Holidays
by Marady Duran, LMSW, MSW, MATD, and INELDA educator
I had the opportunity to speak to a group of widows last year during the holiday season about what end-of-life doulas do in the community. While I was giving my presentation, the discussion shifted to how much the participants missed their partners and how difficult the holidays were for some in the group. The participants talked about old traditions that they no longer practiced and what it was like to be alone during the holiday season.
One of the group members said, “What if we did those traditions still or with one another?” Suddenly the energy in the room shifted, and the discussion turned to stories of loved ones who had died, the foods they loved, or traditions that they enjoyed that they could bring back for the upcoming holiday.
As the holiday season is upon us, I think back to that meeting with the widow group and reflect on how we as a doula community can support our communities and one another to process grief and loss this season.
For many people in our community, the holiday season can be the most difficult time of year. A 2021 survey showed that three in five Americans feel their mental health is negatively impacted by the holidays. Additionally, many of the people we serve as doulas may be facing their last holiday with their loved ones—which may add to the anticipatory grief they are already experiencing. So how can we as a doula community support those who are dealing with increased grief this season? This article will outline a few tips and tricks that you can add to your doula toolkit.
Provide Space
Be a space where your clients or community members can come to share their feelings and grief about the upcoming holidays. There is a saying: “Once you name something in the open it loses some of its power.” A doula has the ability to hold space for all kinds of emotions and thoughts from those we work with. Allowing those around us to say, “I feel so lonely this time of year—I miss my friend so much and I want to just skip this holiday season” gives us the ability to hear them and validate them without trying to “fix” the situation for them. This is a powerful gift that we can give someone who is going through grief.
Explore Ritual
Explore ritual as a way to navigate grief. There are many rituals that relate to the processing or marking of grief. When I facilitated my suicide support group, each member was given a “grief candle” to burn during significant times of the year for their loved one. Some would light it on their birthday, day of death, or other special holiday. A grief candle can be lit during the holiday as a remembrance for their person who has died. Some people like to build altars or offering corners for the person they are grieving, setting up favorite foods or drinks during the holidays. There are great resources on ritual for grief at Love to Know and in many books on coping with grief.
Dive Into Traditions
Assist with bringing back favorite traditions during the holidays. My grandmother made tamales every Christmas for my family until she died. I remember that the first Christmas without her homemade tamales made her death even more present that day. The next year I decided to find homemade tamales and brought them to the family dinner, and we ate them with joy in honor of her. Doulas can explore with their clients and families what traditions can be brought back into their homes this holiday season as a way to honor and reconnect with their loved ones who are no longer here. Restarting lost traditions can be a way to acknowledge the loss and continue honoring their loved one.
Embrace Self-compassion
Finally, grief and loss in the holiday season serve as opportunities for doulas to aid their people in practicing self-compassion. Some days will need to be days for sadness, and some days will bring joy. It is vital for doulas to carry the message of self-compassion and grace for the journey of grief that their clients are on. Meditations on loving kindness and self-compassion can help those grieving to be more gentle and open to the process as they walk their own grief path.
No matter how you are navigating this season, having some of these accessible tools can lend some simple approaches to make the holidays more meaningful for either yourself or those you are connecting with at the end of this year.
Posted: December 2024
AUTHOR BIO
Marady Duran is an INELDA Educator and facilitates INELDA’s Emotional Support Center.