When and why did you decide to become an end-of-life doula?  

In 2013, I witnessed the agonizing death of a very close friend. I had been his caretaker, which was unfortunate for him, as neither of us had any clue what we were doing. He had terminal rectal cancer and never enrolled in hospice, and his death was unmedicated and traumatic. I talk about that experience in more detail on this short podcast interview.

I knew that there must be a better way, and I began volunteering for hospice as a way to atone for my ignorance about the service. The more I engaged with end-of-life care, the more intrigued I became! To this day, I can think of no more fascinating topic than our mortality.

What is your pathway to practicing as a doula?

After volunteering for hospice for several years, I began to hear about EOL doulas. Because I had used a birth doula, I immediately understood the value of the role. At the time, I had a more-than-full-time career as a branding consultant and partner at my firm. I was single-parenting my wonderful son and caring for a 100-year-old home. It took me a few years to make the life changes that would enable me to do this work more intentionally. I finally committed to full-time practice at the end of 2023.

What type of environment do you work in?

I facilitate a lot of local death-positive events, so when I’m working as an educator, I am typically in a classroom or workshop setting. When I work directly with families, I meet them wherever they are! Most of the time, this is in their home, be it in a retirement community or private residence. When possible, I love to take family members out for a walk, a meal, or a coffee. A change of scenery can do wonders for a tender conversation! When needed, I meet with families in hospital or nursing home settings.

What do you do before you meet with a new client?

I love this question, because preparing to meet a new client in this role is so different than it was in my business career! In business, I would often be cramming background information, polishing a presentation, and cultivating the persona of a confident leader. As a doula, I do the direct opposite—I dress in comfortable clothes that will not be distracting. I stretch and meditate. I work to forget what I know and empty my mind of assumptions. I pray to remain humble and reduce suffering where I can. I breathe into my heart and try to stay there.

In other words, when I’m doing it well, preparing for my work looks a lot like my spiritual practice. To me, this is a profound privilege of the work.

Can you share a short anecdote or insight that changed you?

I was sitting in the pews of a funeral not too long ago when a clear thought came through: Everyone here is at a different funeral. My client was one man to his wife, and a very different man to his daughter. Different still to his friends and his son. I had come to know the family intimately and understood that each person was burying a different man. All of those different men were present in one casket. I think that is true for all of us. We contain multitudes, even in death!

Who has been one of your teachers or mentors?

There are so many! Huge shout-out to INELDA instructor and local Shelby Kirillin, who has so generously mentored new doulas into the field. Marady, my certification coach, was an excellent mentor for my first few cases. Books by Frank Ostaseski, Joan Halifax, Stephen Jenkinson, and Alua Arthur have inspired me and shaped my work.

Most importantly, though, I learn from the folks I serve. They are the best teachers, full stop! Each family is as unique as a snowflake, and the ways to best serve them vary just as widely. They are my spiritual teachers, my professional teachers, and ongoing reminders for me of the beauty and love that is available in the world, and in death, if we look for it.

What do you wish you had known when you started as a doula?

I was told (but didn’t believe): Burnout is real, and it’s different from burnout in business. In my business career, burnout looked like exhaustion and a short temper. As a doula, if I don’t care for myself well or honor my own boundaries, burnout looks like an emotional collapse, with a hearty helping of self-doubt. I’ve crashed twice, and each time has taught me a little more about how to maintain a steady and open heart over the long term. “Pushing through” has been a hard habit to break.

Do you have any words of encouragement for fellow doulas?

First: You’re needed.
Second: Find your niche.
Third: Prepare to live simply.

What is your dream for your practice or doulas in general?

It has been my hope that EOL doulas would lead a revolution in deathcare and mortality preparedness, and I see that every day! Doulas are leading the funeral industry into a much-needed overhaul, they are improving the percentage of folks with advance directives, and they are leading conversations in really creative ways—Death Over Dinner, Death Over Drafts, Mortality Movies, and the like are all new and fun ways to engage in the topic. I continue to feel honored and lucky to be a small part of this much-needed shift in our consciousness.